By: Charles Cress

Alright, so Alphabet Soup didn’t go up this week. Honestly, life happened. I’m sorry guys. But! It will be back next Monday. To make up for it, I wrote a giant sized (Man-Thing) and kind of amazing Smackdown review here. Plus, it has bonus Raw stuff at the end! So read! Share! Care! …Hair! I’m out of rhyming words, shut up! Read it! …Feed it…rhymed!

• I like that Roman is now aware that there is in fact this thing called the entrance ramp and that, yes, most people (NOT ROMAN) use it to enter the arena. I always like to imagine he’s just confused. Like he’s running around the back, grabbing people and shaking them:

Roman: “Not tonight! I won’t miss it again tonight! I downloaded the floor layout! I’m gonna find the ramp! I promised Vince!”

PA: “Can I see those layouts, sir?”

Roman: “Sure. Hurry up, gotta be out soon.”

PA: “Um…Mr. Reigns? These…these are for a different arena…”

Roman: “Aren’t all arenas the same?!”

PA: “What? No…that’s…that’s idiotic…”

Roman: “I just typed ‘arena layout’ into Bing! Why didn’t Bing help me?! Arrrhh!”

Then Roman takes down the hallway screaming. That’s probably how it goes…probably.

• Roman’s promo wasn’t as good as Roman being confused (eventually they assigned him a dog to guide him to the ramp), but it was nice. I like angry, cool guy Roman. I also like the hilariousness of eating catering as being a protest, like that’s why he’s doing it. Like they wouldn’t pay for catering anyway, regardless of whether or not he ate. That’s like saying “I’m gonna wear my uniform to work to spite my boss. Yeeaahhh. Cause-cause he paid for that shirt. Oooo. Got you!” Roman is like an Occupy Wall Street protester who left early because they were going to be late for work. I love you, Roman. Never stop being terrible at things.

• DO NOT GO THERE, KEVIN OWENS. Did you see Renee’s poor face?! She look legitimately upset that Owens said she had the same haircut as Styles. If Renee shows up on Monday bald, we know why. By the way, did you guys look at Renee’s face in general during that? Go find it. Now. …Ok, now just watch her. Her facial expressions are unreal. She’s the Randy Orton of interviewing. It’s like her mind knows what pro wrestling is but her face still believes in kayfabe. She gives these amazing “Ooo, you go girl” looks after every quip. I can’t even right now. She’d be amazing as Sassy Best Friend in a terrible movie released in January.

• Oh look, it’s the “Battle of Ohio”! These two have never…haha, I can’t. Sorry. I’m not against Miz and Dolph wrestling. They actually have some palpable chemistry. It’s just too much too close together. At least we got Jerry Lawler being semi-confused by where they were. There’s a chance, a small one, that he might think the state of Ohio is called Cleveland and Ohio is a city. And neither of those are in the country of Cincinnati.

• Obligatory “I hate Ohio” comment from me, because I’m from Michigan, I take sports really seriously and one time, Ohio and Michigan fought a war over Toledo, which is the most Ohio and Michigan thing ever.

• The whole time I was watching Dean’s first vignette I just kept marking out because I’ve drove over that bridge a few times on the way to Kentucky, and if nothing else, I will always mark for myself. Also, love that Dean Ambrose wore his ring gear out in the city. It was re—wait, that’s not his ring gear? Are we sure? Two hoodies, jacket, something with his name on it, jeans…no, yeah, that’s his ring gear. He looks like a TNA World Champion. TNA: Home of the K-Mart Swim Trunk Champions. I think it’s really cool TNA allows you to buy their wrestler’s gear at all local K-Mart stores.

• Oh man, Goldust continues to be just amazing. First, that ring jacket was FANTASTIC. He looked like a flamboyant Warlord circa 2110. He’ll deny you food rations, but he’ll look FAB doing it. And that, that’s what matters guys. Not food. Not sustenance. Take it from someone who has spent their last $10 on clothes (it was clearance guys, I’m not that cheap. Come on), it’s the most important thing. Secondly, he’s still so damn athletic. Wrestling skills aren’t hereditary (if we’ve learned ANYTHING from WCW, let that be it), but athleticism is. Goldust is a natural athlete through and through. You’d have to be to do what he does at his age. And it’s not just the taking bumps and running stuff. It’s the speed he runs at. The height he gets when he jumps. That’s all DNA. Ultimately, that’s the most fun part of wrestling, if you’ll allow me a tangent here (LOL). Wrestling is getting to watch some of the most incredible naturally gifted men and women put their spectacular genes to good use. It’s like a Skills Competition with light acting. Unlike the NFL (another terrific repository for the birthright boisterous), WWE doesn’t encumber them with strict play assignments and 21 other guys stealing their thunder. The spotlight is on these men and women to do everything that makes them amazing every night. It’s so fun to step back and consider exactly what these guys are capable of on a daily basis. Goldust reminds me of that constantly.

• I wanna point out that everyone in the ring right now (Dudley’s, Goldust, Truth) are survivors of That Company in Florida. Shay and I theorized that they have secret meeting in the back to swap stories and help each other with their PTSD. A support group of sorts. They have a handshake too. It involves lots of missed high-fives.

• “Two women that I’ve almost known my entire adult life.” Do you guys understand how much I love Charlotte’s terrible alien promos? They are like lottery tickets in your Christmas stocking (as opposed to just in your stockings, I suppose…some kind of slutty gambler thing going on here, maybe…). I digress. Charlotte, you put “almost” way too early in that sentence. Basically she’s saying she almost knew them. Like she almost found out their favorite food but got busy or something. I like that the implication is she’s known them her entire adult life, but only kinda. What’s Becky’s favorite movie? “Oh damn…I almost know that…it has characters in it, I know that…she was going to tell me but I cut her off. Would’ve known too much about her.” Alien Charlotte – keep learning English. You’re almost there. Almost.

• Sasha has so much swag. UGGGHHHH. I’m jealous! Steppin’ out her looking NYC trendy but stayin’ true with that Boss chain. You get it, girl! And because my columns all eventually digress into fashion treatises, Charlotte looks like a backup dancer at an award show and Becky looks like a Juggalette (do not Bing this, Roman Reigns). ANYWAYS, this was fun and it nicely adds some animosity to this future WrestleMania classic.

• Oh New Day…I have no idea if you’re faces or heels, or why the hell you’re facing League of Nations. They’re still basically heels, just they aren’t as mean to the fans, I guess? The crowd seems just as confused as I do, honestly. I don’t think they’ve won over the younger fans that still despise them, yet. Hot garbage though…cute. I like that Xavier decided to make the most out of his janitor job, though Mr. Stevens is not going to be happy about this (see, ‘cause he doesn’t wrestle so I made a joshing implication that he has supplementary income.) Cute stuff, here. I guess I’m just immune to New Day’s antics? I don’t know.

• Watch the…guy in the grey hoodie behind Dean in the bar promo (see? I didn’t say black. …Dammit!) He can’t stop looking at the camera. Every few seconds, just over Dean’s shoulder, he stares into our very souls like a magic deer. I have seen the face of God. I have stared into the abyss. I can testify, it did stare unto me.

• The whole Tough Guy Dean shtick is so much better than crazy Dean. Tough Guy Dean, I buy. In fact, there’s evidence in WWE fiction to back up those claims. Dean as the perineal latch key kid with a chip on his shoulder has ample support and legs to run. It’s charmingly edgy in the most PG-13 was possible. I’m quite keen on it. Keep doin’ your thing, tough but not mentally unstable Dean Ambrose.

• Mauro Ranallo explaining Japanese moves to Jerry Lawler is exactly like when I explain Transformers stuff to Shay. It’s like “Yeah, that’s a thing, but wow it sounds stupid. I can’t even tell if you’re making it up.” King’s new heel character is very amusing because it’s peak “Whatever you say, baby” Shay. “Shockfire? Ok honey.” “No! Shockwave!” “Shocker, got it.”.

• Owens and AJ did a pretty nice job. Especially on that innovative spinning Argentine Rack Powerbomb situation. Just fun indie stuff here with a nice pace and stand out layout. This match was handcrafted like a fine, pretentious dessert from the trendy part of town. This match was artisanal. And Jericho getting the distraction served two masters here. Owens got his moment and momentum, and AJ got an excuse for losing and ammo for his Jericho gun. Overall just well-done fun! I can’t complain! I’m trying, trust me! Uh…uh…my foot hurts! Yeah!

• Oh wait, I can complain. Because keeps trying to make AJ chants a thing. JERICHO, YOU ARE LITERALLY THE ONLY ONE CHANTING HIS NAME. Are we entirely sure Jericho’s character isn’t hearing voices in his head? You know what though, I did love the end where he changed up this cadence and started using different inflections, like he was in a cereal commercial and the director wanted him to try saying the name a few different ways. Fantastic.

SPECIAL RAW MENTION:

• Shane’s promo was god awful. That was completely a fault of irrational confidence. He got so pumped from his first two appearances he’s like “fuck it, I’m Shane McMahon. I could do ‘Camptown Races’ and get a standing O”. Turns out, he’s right. People laughed, but no one seemed to care. Shane could probably win that Senate Seat Linda wanted at will. He’s absurdly beloved. He’s like the WWE Universe’s cool uncle.
• Bo Dallas might be the best thing since the phrase “the best thing since sliced bread”. Let me remind you what he said on Monday “Like the new Grilled Hot Dog, I’m available now!” WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?! WHY DO YOU MAKE ME FALL IN LOVE AGAIN EVERY DAY?! WHY DO YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE THE PROTAGONIST OF A ONE DIRECTION SONG?!

This week’s Smackdown was a rare creature indeed – stuff happened! If they keep doing this I will have to change the name of this column, and I don’t care enough/can’t do any better. So, you know, stop doing things. And in case you are wondering, I did record it. Oh god, forgot to cancel my Hulu account! Oh god oh god. Be right back. This is for real – in writing that sentence, I just realized it. Keep reading! I’mma go make sure I don’t get charged for this!

• Sami Zayn is on the main roster! Yeah! And also…Sami is being rushed into an abbreviated feud with Owens! Yay? This could have used more buildup. I don’t count NXT as buildup, because despite its popularity, it draws a fraction of Raw and Smackdown. It’s essentially an indie and importing this feud and trying to make it matter in weeks feels…weak. Look, I want to see them wrestle. Who doesn’t?! And it’s awesome Sami is here! But by the lukewarm reaction he got and the incredible amount of exposition we just had to dump on the audience, this isn’t going to be perfect. And these guys deserve that. At least Zayn’s burn on the Miz was perfect. He needed to hear that. It felt like an intervention.

• On the fun side, oh my god Neville’s voice, oh my god. He sounds like Patrick Stewart doing a Sean Connery impression. Where the hell is he from? He talks like a drunk Siri. I don’t even think half of what he said was words. I’m excited and scared to see what the close captioning people made of that.

• I’m sorry Sami, I didn’t mean that baby. Your feud is going to go fine. I just get upset sometimes baby. Come on, you know me. Come lay on papa and tell him how you did cool shit in this tag match. There you go, mitten face. Now tell me about your cool moveset.

• The tag match WAS pretty good. It was downright fun, actually. Neville has been SHINING lately and it didn’t stop here. He’s like a beefy helicopter toy. And can I say, they actually made a good team? Tag team potential?! Eh? Eh?! It was brilliant to keep Owens away from Sami in this match. I honestly didn’t even notice until the end and that’s part of the brilliance. It was subtle and – GASP! – it told a story! Hell, it advanced a story! Smackdown is allergic to that! I had to use an EpiPen on my TV. This is the perfect example of how to make a match tell a story and be entertaining. I’m going to have sex with this match and then lie to Shay about it. Eventually, this match will interrupt our wedding. I will get slapped by Shay. She will storm out and I will rebuke this match for tarnishing this day. Time will pass, wounds will heal. Shay and I will reconnect two years later at a small coffee shop. We’ve both moved on: I, a quiet cobbler, lonely as I am skilled. She, a married mother of five, committed to her family, ambivalent about her husband. We’ll laugh, we’ll smile, we’ll reminisce. She’ll ask me “Why?” I’ll play coy. “Why what?” She’ll breakdown “Why did you ruin this? Look at what we had. What we have. I’m happy but I would have been happier with you.” And I’ll whisper…“dat spinning moonsault thing off Zayn, doe.”

• Heh, Truth is the lifeguard while Goldust drops the kids off at the pool. Heh. Poop jokes. Heh.

• BRRIIIIIEEE (ala) MOOOODDEEE. Her song is the best part of her, and I’m including her cute headband. I like how she’s become this living tribute. She’s half Daniel Bryan, half Nikki, and terrible at both. It’s Frankenstein’s Monster if the good Doctor was busy playing Hearthstone or sewed on two left feet or something. She’s entertaining as long as she doesn’t hurt anybody – kind of like Enzo Amore. And hey! She finally got the Yes Lock. Took a bit, but whatever! BRRIIIEEE ALA MOOOODDDDEEEE!

• Lana looks ridiculous and I can’t wait to see her run the ropes. She looks like a Rob Liefeld drawing. I’m so excited.

• God dammit, Jericho. That was the only shirt you would wear and you burned it! Is it too late to get them back together?! Can I donate 10 cents a day, the price of a cup of coffee, to get Chris Jericho a shirt? Quick, someone put some flies on his face. This man needs clothing!

• Jericho’s promo from start to finish was incredibly funny. I get what it was SUPPOSED to be about. Getting it isn’t the problem. First of all, Jericho spent the entire promo baiting the crowd to chant AJ’s name, which they clearly had no interest in. I’m not even sure where he keeps hearing these chants to get so upset about. The crowd has gone mild at best for AJ. Also: THAT SHIRT HAS YOUR NAME ON IT, TOO. He burned half of himself in effigy. I can’t even make up how dumb this was. Why not go grab one of AJ’s shirts?! He has like four already!

• Sin Cara out here looking like Triple H’s secret lucha son, Tres Jeche.

• Cute match they had, by the way. Wade Barrett did something, which rare. I think I might go play the lottery after seeing that. Again though, I’m just meh on League of Nations. Sheamus has somehow just discovered personality, and while I enjoy that, they collectively are just a splotch of color on my screen. Plus, they beat up Sin Cara. RIP Tres Jeche 2016-2016.

• I love that we got the fancy transition to Ryback! We just needed a star wipe and it would’ve been perfect. Still digging what Ryback’s doing here. The new gear and the new attitude just really got me sold. I’ll miss him repping Team Rocket (Giovanni forever) and looking generally like a musclehead who made his own gear and wandered backstage somehow, but this is good. This feels good. This feels…right.

• I love that Ambrose’s shirt just HAD to come off. It’s like those CW shows that star the brooding guys in henleys (not Don Henley and his made up just now brother, the piece of clothing) and dubious, soon to be receding hair – every time the ratings are down, shirts get ripped. I think they wear tear-away shirts like NBA player pants. The best part about Dean’s shirt getting ripped is that you can see why he wears one. Look, I’m not one to talk but Dean’s stomach looks like rippling water. It’s like his stomach is a glass on an old lady’s coffee table right before Godzilla stomps into town. It looks like a piece of pizza that the cheese fell off of. For being so sexy and crazy, he looks like the dumb kid at the neighborhood pool. But to each their (weird disturbing) own, I suppose.

• The main-event was ok. The Uso’s have been dead to me for years. They never add anything new (in ring or out) and they generally just kind of frustrate me. WHICH ONE IS NAOMI’S HUSBAND AND WHICH ONE IS THE OTHER GUY?! There’s no discernible way to tell them apart, like how the real Sin Cara had a mark on his boot (thanks, Booker!). Plus, you know, Dolph is Dolph (the “Showoff”, which is a marketing executive’s spin on “loses a lot but has nice chops”) so that did nothing for me. I don’t know, Dean did some cool stuff here and this win was very important to setting up Roadblock. I mean, he didn’t end it with a fist and/or boot on his face! Progress!

Well, that was Smackdown. Tl;dr – Brie Ala Mode Frankenstein, star wipes, Don Henley, Tres Jeche, Patrick Stewart.

By the way, I canceled my Hulu subscription just in time. They were going to charge me tomorrow morning. The moral of this story is – don’t tell Shay I almost messed that up. Oh, and always write columns explaining the minutia of your life!

By: Charles Cress

A – Air Jordan II. My boy Shane O’Man rocking them J’s! Some of you may not know this, but I’m a major sneakerhead. Not as much as I use to be, but at my peak, I owned 40 pairs of sneakers. It’s down to like 20 now, with only four pairs of Jordans. But it still lives in my heart. I will vicariously live through Shane SO HARD through Wrestlemania.

B – Boy, Shane rocking that “I’m still cool, I use Uber” Silicon Valley outfit. He’s leaning hard on that lost youth. I appreciate he didn’t try to dye his hair though, like his distinguished opponent. The guy leaves black gunk in his wake like a BP tanker. His hair is like a melting candle. Ugh. Any who, Shane was nice here. He’s still got that natural McMahon charisma. And honestly? Man, wouldn’t it be so refreshing to have him take over as the authority figure? Obviously everything would stay relatively the same, it’s all kayfabe, afterall. But the show would feel…sunnier. Brighter. A more optimistic Raw. I’m kind of excited for an optimistic Raw. God, am I talking myself into Shane beating the Undertaker?

C – CM Punk! CM Punk! CM ah shut up. Oh yeah, you’re chanting will bring him back. Because that’s what he was waiting for: you guys to chant his name. Sure, he loves the audio masturbation as much as The Rock (but not more than. They actually have to change the ring mat when Rock leaves. It’s soaked. Fun Fact.) but he’s GONE. He doesn’t care. What is that even supposed to accomplish? “LOOKIT, WE KNOW A NAME OF A WRESTLER.” Like saying his name will cause Vince to have an epiphany? I bet you guys feel so cool. I’m glad you paid $80 to feel superior to other people. Pretty good deal you got there.

D – Dude! Neville did…something! He was relevant! Look at him go! He’s getting offense! It’s about damn time. It feels like a nice little reward for wrestling the fuck out of Balor on NXT. I think we forget sometimes how much of a revelation Neville was on NXT. He changed everything. He was part of the generation that made NXT what it is t—OH MY GOD, SAMI ZAYN! AHHHH! AHHH! I THINK I PEED! AHHHH! I LOVE YOU, SAMI! HAVE MY SKA BABIES! I WANT TO WEAR YOUR HAT ON MY DONG! AHHHH!

E – Ehm. I uh…I apologize for that entire last letter. It got out of hand, and I’m s—AHHH SAMI WAS ON RAW! WEAR A TOGA AND SMACK ME ON THE FACE, SAMI! I THINK I’D BE INTO THAT FOR SOME REASON! LIKE A SOCRATES ROLE PLAY OR SOMETHING!

F – For God’s sake! Dolph! You do not wear patterned shirts with patterned ties! You might has well have worn a suit of dead babies. You disgust me. I wouldn’t be surprised to find out Dolph Ziggler is actually two dogs in an overcoat with spaghetti on its head.

G – Grade. B-. Yep, again. This wasn’t bad though! Stuff happened! The forward momentum was palpable (and it honestly went up half a grade because Bray Wyatt looked at the WWE title). The entire show felt like a sports car speeding towards Road Block and Wrestlemania. Yeah the matches were shorter, but I’m ok if they at least mean something. More of this, please. It was better than fruit but not as good as fruit flavored food. Purple flavor > grape.

H – How much must it suck to have to pretend to care about Brie buying a scooter? I can see why Byron Saxton has the same “blink twice if you’re being held against your will” look Chris Christie did. Like, that’s the context for a match: she has a scooter. I’m glad I was distracted by how selfish and insane Nikki Bella is or otherwise I might have saw more of this match. It’s like we traveled back to 2012. This was as subpar and forgetful as any Diva’s match I’ve ever seen. And Summer Rae looks like a rabbit. No, I mean, she literally has the figure of a standing bunny. I don’t know why I noticed this.

I – I love hoochie mama Lana. That nickname is for sale, WWE! Her singles character is essentially “remember when I banged Dolph Ziggler and they had to stop the story because I’m an idiot?” That’s her. Her character is hilariously bad. Lana is basically a human mirror for whomever has the unfortunate pleasure of being her saddle that week. Lana is the anti-feminist character. I know that’s extrapolating a lot from an outfit, but her character’s past speaks loudly here. More hoochie mama Lana might help. Maybe she’ll saying something about herself that isn’t tied to the status of her theoretical vagina and the liberal application of penis there of? If she’s a confident woman who does what she wants, including men, great. Do you. But be better than a shallow reflection.

J – Just gonna get this out of the way. Dean Ambrose looks like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich slowly falling apart. I don’t know how else to say it, but I’ll try. Dean Ambrose is the human version of a New York postcard. No. You know when you get that gunk on the corner of your lip when you haven’t drank something in a while, and even after you drink something, it’s still there, but now it’s like a jelly and you’re pretty sure everyone can see it but no one says anything and you’re freaking out and eventually you just scrape it off with your nail and it looks like Vaseline and you’re like “how is this a thing”? Dean is the guy who says something. God, this guy. It’s not that I dislike him, it’s that I like mocking him. Those are very different things that Dean Ambrose would say sounds like fancy book learnin’ talk. And apparently he’s an old timey prospector now too. Ooo wait, he might be!

K – Killed kayfabe. Triple H is just pissing all over the idea of kayfabe and I love it. He refuses to play along, no matter what. Every week he just dismantles Dean’s character in delightful ways. He basically said Dean Ambrose is just a guy playing a character, and of course he is, we know he is, but it’s so funny that Triple H doesn’t care to pretend he is. I bet Triple H was the kid who never wanted play fireman unless there was a real fire. His Lego cities were full of motionless, lifeless Lego people…because they aren’t real. They can’t drive Lego cars. And Lego cars aren’t real cars anyway. That…or he just doesn’t give a fuck. I hope it’s the former. More on the story implications later. …I’m a news anchor now.

L – Love the guy with the sign that says “WWE Raw Live in Chicago” like just in case he forgets where he is he can turn his sign around and read it. It’s the equivalent of those guys who have “Charger” across the windshield of their…wait for it…Charger. Is it in case they forget which one is theirs? “Oh yeah, mine is the stupid looking one that says what it is. Cause people don’t know what cars look like and I want everyone looking in their rearview mirror to know what car hit them when they file the police report.”

M – Man, they clearly are just messing with Wade Barrett now. He was the only one eliminated! Even better – I’m pretty sure that was the first elimination match like this where it didn’t come down to one on one. Which I can’t decide is funnier for Dolph or Barrett. It was so realistic it hurt. The good kind of hurt. The Sami Zayn and I kind of hurt (PLEASE DON’T READ THIS, CODY RHODES. IT’S JUST A JOKE. I LOVE YOU. YOU ALWAYS SMELL LIKE SUPER NINTENDO CARTRIDGES) That’s what you get, Dolph, for being nicknamed “The Show Off” instead of “The Match Winner”. You showed off, all right. Let’s see how that translates into success!

N – Nicely done Shane McMahon video package. It highlighted what makes him so damn fun – he’s a true blue, 100% risk taker. So many wrestlers can claim they are, and print it on t-shirt and use it in promos, but Shane will do anything. And I think that ties into what JBL said – Shane had something to prove. He knew being Vince’s son, none of the boys would ever give him credit. Give him credence. The only way to show he wasn’t a token of nepotism was to go beyond what even they would do. By going farther than them, he was able to run beside them. Sometimes I like to think of this fun “What if?” scenario, wherein Shane isn’t a McMahon. He’s just a stupidly fearless, handsome guy who wants to be a wrestler so bad it hurts. And while it’s fun to imagine what he could have accomplished, he wouldn’t have been half as good as he was. Being a McMahon was the premium unleaded that powered his combustion engine of self-destruction. Shane McMahon was a creation of his last name as much as his first. Without that chip on his shoulder, he wouldn’t have ever had the urge to push it off so hard. And maybe this hypothetical Shane would have found a different chip, but it wouldn’t have been so present as his last name. It truly followed him everywhere. And that made Shane McMahon appointment TV. We got to watch him in real time try to kick his own linage in the face while leaping across the ring. That was his real opponent. And even after he won, he never stopped building that straw man back up. He’s driven and completely non derivative. A wholesale unique creation that for once in this industry, truly inimitable. There can never be another Shane McMahon and that makes the one we have a treasure. Can’t wait to see it one more time.

O – Oh man. That was the worst Diva’s match since the last Diva’s match. Wow. I think combined they’ve had like four minutes of screen time tonight. Sasha being catty backstage lasted longer than this. Why even get dressed? I’d just walk out in pajama pants and lay down in the middle of the ring. I wouldn’t even wipe the potato chip crumbs off my shirt first. That’s your problem, not mine.

P – Pretty good! Wow, that tag match had me on the edge! I mean, there were serious points where they made me believe a title switch was coming. Just outstanding planning, here. There was definitely a strong hand guiding this match from the start. It was laid out so beautifully. They had the spoons on the correct side and everything. Kofi was the biggest star though, surprisingly. He proves again he’s as versatile as anyone in WWE, despite his label as “high flying guy”. Every sequence he was involved in flowed like honey, even with Jericho (who has been shaky at best since coming back).

Q – Quotes.

Dolph Ziggler (to Stephanie): “Yeah, Survivor Series…maybe I’m a little fuzzy…” That’s just the concussions. You’re probably ok…probably…

Dean Ambrose: “This face is going to be on People Magazine. Going to be on Oprah.” It’s so cute that WWE has created this little vacuum where wrestling is still god, but only between the hours of 8-11 in the given arena.

R – Really?! I was right?! I mean, yes, of course. I told you guys Y2AJ was going to break up! Whooo! I know, I know, apparently everyone has been saying this but everyone didn’t have a column read by tens of people, did they? Shay would barely give me credit because she said it was obvious. Well guess what? I didn’t read that! And sure, that’s because I ignore other wrestling writer’s, but the point stands! All me, baby! I do love that they made a t-shirt for them though. I just want to roll around in the comedy of this t-shirt. Someone actually spent their time, being paid, to design a logo and slogan for this group that lasted as long as a decent orgasm. They sold this shirt! To real people! People who can never wear this again in polite company! I don’t know if it’s a masterpiece of cynical business or the most expensive kayfabe in history. It’s just fantastic, I know that.

S – So glorious. Look, I realize like half this column is fashion criticism, but I like clothes and b…clothes. So I like to talk about them. And Kalisto’s gear was heavenly. He looked like the cover to some forgotten Sega Genesis game. Also, how adorable was it to see him wearing the US Championship? It was huge on him! On Cena it looked like a belt buckle! So cuuuttteeee.

T – Totally psyched that Big Bossman is in the Hall of Fame. Always one of my favorites as a kid. I mean, his song. It was magic in audio form. The bassline alone sounded like passionate sex from an older, experienced man. And sure, the gimmick has sometimes troubling racial undertones, but how great was it that his gimmick was taken so literally? He’d feud with guys about like parking tickets and shit. It was the greatest thing ever. Plus, him getting all gritty and growing into the Attitude Era consisted of making him a Swat Team guy instead. Brilliantly stupid to the highest degree.

U – Uh…am I alone in thinking Ryback’s promo was pretty good? Part of it was nonsense and he delivered it with the enthusiasm of a tired museum director, but it was pertinent. It made SENSE. It positioned him in this great pocket of serious and sweet. He’s not a heel, he’s a realist. I’m not even sure what to call him alignment. It’s just really fun to see develop every week.

V – Very confused. As much as I want Shane to win, and as much as I like him (see: N), I don’t understand why we’re supposed to believe he can beat Undertaker as HIS event. Shane may be dumb enough to do what it takes to keep Taker down, but when has it ever worked for Shane? Forgotten in all those great highlights of Shane is the fact he lost like 80% of those matches. He was Dolph Ziggler before Dolph Ziggler. All show off, no wins. I think history plays against him. Vince shouldn’t be THAT scared. Taker’s got this (but I secretly hope he doesn’t. I’ve made my mind up!).

W – Well, another Raw, another Dean Ambrose beat down. I’m not even sure if this is on purpose. I think they just forgot that this will be the third Raw in a row he’s got his ass beat to close the show. How does this make him look good? Yeah, he got up. But he was going to eventually. He’s not dead. Is that the lesson from this? That they didn’t kill Dean? I can’t keep watching him get beat up like this if no one is wearing leather. At least just be up front about what this is.

X – Xylophone

Y – You know you’re watching Raw when…someone talks about their ass exploding.

Z – Zero. The amount of jokes under “D” (I really did scream like that in Shay’s ear. Ask her.) The number of times Bo Dallas should be off TV. The times in this column you believed I had a girlfriend.

You can email Charles Cress at c_cress08@yahoo.com or follow him on Twitter at @CharlesCress

And so we’re here again. I struggled to even get my thoughts down because my damn DVR didn’t record Smackdown (definitely not my fault. Nope.) Thankfully, Hulu exists and I haven’t started free trial there and deleted it after a few days yet (as opposed to most other websites). So, here we are! Let’s dive into this…show…that happened…

• Boot Cut Jeans incarnate Dean Ambrose started us off yet again, and it was…it existed. Hey, that’s the theme of these reviews anyway! I don’t know. I just think his wackiness has diminishing returns. At some point it veers over the line from “tough guy” to “immortal”. By all accounts, Dean Ambrose should be dead. Brock Lesnar literally stepped on his head. For a good two seconds, he and chewed bubblegum inhabited the same plane (chewed bubblegum, by the way, is another great way to describe Dean Ambrose). What’s the point of him? He gets beaten up constantly. He’s going to lose to Brock. He’s more Chester Cheetah (dangerously cheesy) than Stone Cold Steve Austin.

• I like Jerry Lawler basically saying all Samoans look alike. Classy. Never chan—actually, you know what? Please change.

• Uso’s vs. League of Nations was cute. Again, this is par for the course on Smackdown. It didn’t advance anything. It didn’t serve a greater purpose. It was wrestling for the sake of wrestling. And hey! I like wrestling. But CONTEXT. Ugh. At least we got to watch Sheamus exist, which is always fun. How have they never dressed him as Jack Frost for Halloween? Rusev is always fun too, because like Khali before him, I’m not entirely sure he understands everything that’s happening. It’s 35/65 odds that Rusev believes he’s fighting for his freedom in some kind of Planet Hulk setting. He swings his feet at people like he’s waiting for the emperor to give him a thumbs up or something. How long until he’s fed to the lions? He will kill to stay alive. He will. But he’s coming for the emperor.

• THAT SUPERKICK BY USO #2 DOE.

• In the grand tradition of Smackdown being the last Raw if transcribed by someone kind of paying attention, we’re running back that whole “quick win” bit with Dolph and Miz, but switching the winner. Clearly we’re building to something I suppose, and I always appreciate a good mid card feud, but I can’t help my apathy here. I’m going to try and stick with it. Mostly because I have to. I write this.

• Two things I love about the Truth/Goldust bit: Goldust eats with his full gear and face paint on. Which means his food must constantly taste like colors, which is delicious. And you can’t help but love Truth’s taste in clothing. He dresses like a freezing cold youth counselor. He dresses like Jesus going to his Sweet 16. He looks like a Christian metal band started by early season Friends characters bequeathed their possessions to him. He’s incredible.

• Like I said: the last Raw if transcribed by someone kind of paying attention. Becky vs. Sasha! Good back and forth! And then…interference! Because both are back on their sleeping medication since Raw! You know, there was some good stuff here though. It’s not like I don’t want to watch them wrestle – I do! It’s just we all know how this is ending and we’ve already seen it. Thankfully, Sasha brought me into this match with those knees. Sasha has become a pro at those double knees. ALMOST as good as Evan Borne’s. And Becky always seems world’s better when she’s playing off a fellow NXT Diva. She’s alright with the long time girls, but there’s so many little mistakes that taint the whole thing. They never quite have the timing down – who’s fault that is, I don’t know (IT’S NOT BECKY’S). Special mention here for Mauro covering up the Diva Signature “one leg dropkick” as a “leg lariat”. This guy. This guy. And you know, I might have even enjoyed this bout more than Monday’s because of Mauro. He always sounds like he bet a bunch of money on each match and every pinfall could lose him ten grand. Just fantastic storytelling.

• …At least I did like him until he called Becky “Becks”. WE’VE DISCUSSED THIS BEFORE. THAT’S MY NAME FOR HER.

• I love that the sun and moon are miracles. WHAT ABOUT MAGNETS, KOFI? HOW DO THEY WORK?!

• New Day did their thing and for sitting through it, we got the joy of watching Kofi vs. Styles. And god was it worth it. Like special little snowflakes dancing in the wind. How can you not love the solo stampede? And that crispy cross body of the ropes by AJ? It’s so hard in general to say more about Smackdown other than “that match was cool” or “that match wasn’t” because their simply isn’t enough larger movement to extrapolate story or character development from. I know I’m harping on it, but it’s the one thing I CAN talk about during Smackdown that has some meat to it. Half the things that happen on it will just be ignored on Raw. Smackdown ALWAYS includes two Raw segments – Raw includes none from Smackdown. And that’s for a reason. I almost question if we even need Smackdown. If it wasn’t for the chance to see some young guys ply their trade, I’d be ok if Smackdown went away.

• I’m very confused by this beast Bray is describing. Seven heads and ten horns? How…how are the horns distributed? Double up on three, one on each of the rest? Do the other heads resent their double horned brothers? I need pictures please.

• I mean, I guess Ambrose/Owens was cute. They’ve really perfected every variation of this match through house shows and their best 47 out of 93 series on TV and it shows. Competent. But not entertaining exactly. I mostly spent the time trying to think of new ways to describe Dean Ambrose. He’s like a store brand pop bottle with googly eyes. He’s looks like a dusty VHS case. Dean Ambrose is the human version of one of those pens at the bank broken off from the metal ball thing and laying on the floor.

Well, that was Smackdown. Tl;dr – Killing arena, Jesus, magnets, and tasty colors. Thanks, everyone!

Guess who’s back? Back again. Shay Shay’s back! Tell a friend!

• Okay, maybe it’s my TV (but it’s not, my TV is love) or maybe it’s Pop TV but my god, Kurt Angle’s head and face look purple. Is he breathing? Stop counting ref, see if he’s breathing. Great match with Roode and Angle but I can’t stop looking at how purple Angle looks. I really am concern. Can he survive one more match?

• Rockstar Spud in all black is a much better look than paintball game victim. YES! YES! YES! – Reby brought Baby Hardy. Fantastic. Now show me Tyrus holding that baby because he went from a dancing dinosaur, to an enforcer, to a babysitter…and that’s just the best.

• James Storm looks like he’s going to cry already and he hasn’t started talking yet. Why did Storm call him Amigo? That felt so fake, so forced. I…I don’t like this. Stop it. We know Kurt chugs more than just milk, why are we playing pretend? Wolves vs Beer Money? I can get behind it.

• Really? Reby comes out dressed as a pack of Fruit Stripe gum and she can’t even have the courtesy to bring our Baby Hardy so we can watch Tyrus holding him? Ugh. This is already a fail. Matt Hardy has money? Why does his suit look too big for him? Why does his voice sound like he’s always got a cold?

Quick: Everyone caption this picture!

• EC3! Yes. If he’s the cancer of TNA then I think we all have cancer figured out wrong. He’s helping, not hurting this company.

• Jimmy Havoc is what teenage me dreamed about. He’s perfect for 14 year old Shay and now she’s going to take over this portion. Oh my god, Jimmy is awesome. He’s so cute and he has an accent and I feel like he would understand me. I wish he loved me and not Rosemary. Why do I always lose guys like him to girls like her? I can be a crazy, gothic, demon…clown? I don’t know what she is but I can be it. Oh no, Havoc was just murdered on barbwire. Really fun match between Abyss and Jimmy but a little more tamed than I expected.  That seems to be a running theme with TNA lately. Oh well, adult ShaLinda can come back now.

• Geez, get your priorities straight 14 year old me.  Anyway, Gail Kim’s promo means nothing to me. If you’re looking to become famous, why go to TNA? That’s the last place to go. Gail’s being irrational! Why would Maria risk her health in Lethal Lockdown just because she asked her too? Does Gail think she owns the women in the locker room? God, Maria please stop yelling. Did you learn that from Charlotte?  The point of a microphone is so you don’t have to yell. You know what though? Maria is so good on the mic now. Where did this come from? And while we’re complimenting, Jade you look amazing with that championship, Why aren’t you already champion? Fix this now, please and thank you.

• Pretty damn good match between Bennett and Galloway. I figured this would be our match of the night. This could have been on PPV. Maria is doing such a good job of looking surprised…all the time. At everything. Seriously thought Bennett was going for the Rainmaker in this match. I had Charles Cress on speed dial, ready to snatch what’s left of Mike’s hair. Good win for Bennett.

• Grado! Be still my beating heart. My favorite Irish man! Please come back tomorrow and tell us how you got screwed!

• Kurt Angle vs Lashley in Angle’s last match? Still intrigued. I want Purple Man and Wayne Brady Jr. to have a hell of a match and go all in. I want Kurt to leave everything in the ring if this is truly his last match.

• Matt and Tyrus jump EC3. Okay, so EC3 had to be expecting this? I mean, it’s Wrestling 101. Oh my god! How smart is it to lock them in a truck? How hilarious would it be if someone actually got in the truck and drove off because they didn’t know it was a part of a wrestling show? This unsanctioned fight between Spud and EC3 is so damn fun but I feel like by having EC3 get his revenge this early is a little weak.  Also, why do wrestlers do the spit gurgling thing now? It’s so gross. New wrestling pet peeve. Right up there with drinking things from fans!

That’s it! Good night folks. See ya next week!

By: Charles Cress

A – Authority. Webster’s Dictionary defines authority as…god, I love Triple H’s middle school essay start to Raw. You can just hear him listening to Now That’s What I Call Music and trying to think of other ways to start sentences besides “the”. “And? Can…can you start a sentence with that?”

B – By the time I finish writing this, WWE Shop will have released another Dean Ambrose shirt. No, seriously. Go look at Dean’s WWE Shop page, I’ll wait……back now? Ok. Dean has approximately 34 shirts. They cover a wide variety of topics, like the mental stability of Dean and the mental stability of Dean. His shirts are like metaphorical bullets fileting well-meaning but insane teenage girl fish. Dean Ambrose fans are what happens when kids are allowed to watch TV unsupervised. He’s somehow both squinting nightmares from Twilight wrapped into one smelly guy with hair like terrible van carpeting. Oh, and have you ever seen his fingers? Watch him hold the microphone. They’re like…broken glue sticks. They don’t even look like they’re supposed to bend. Dean Ambrose is a defective Stretch Armstrong, but instead of leaking corn syrup he leaks lice and 5-packs of Hanes tank tops. Have you ever stopped and just looked at Dean like a normal person? He looks the main character of a Pixar movie about sentient used chapstick. And the crazy thing is ridiculous anyway. What has he done to prove he’s crazy besides some light grand theft auto and encouraging people to beat him up? His gimmick is basically a submissive weed dealer, but I suppose that doesn’t sell shirts. …That being said…he was funny in this segment. Nice job!

C – Championship match! Love the idea of a stop-gap championship match to fill the space before Wrestlemania. Dean vs. Hunter should be pretty entertaining and do a nice job setting them both up for their divergent paths. It’s just…cute, honestly. It’s fun to pretend Wrestlemania isn’t preordained and just go for it. At the very least, it will make for a fun 10 minutes before Roman comes out and suplexes a bus on top of Triple H.

D – Damn! That was a Diva’s match! Becks (again, only I can call her this) and Sasha (anyone can call her this, I suppose…) put on a nice NXT style match. Just fluid, smooth, powerful looking moves. Sure it ended with a rare double narcolepsy (first used by Sleepy Mulligan and “Lights Out” McNap in Nineteen dickity-two) but we get to see them wrestle again, so the real winner is us…and both of them. That’s how draws work. I think. They aren’t really clear on this. I mean, yeah, they both won…but also, they both won! Shouldn’t they both be number one contender? Was this thrown out solely on the basis of their medical conditions? I’d respect that if they just said so.

E – Everyone knows that’s the definition of insanity, Bray. Did you also know human’s only use 10% of their brain, but if you swallow a bunch of pills you turn into Bradley Cooper? Did you also know that onetime, a spider laid its eggs in this lady’s stomach, and they crawled out of her baby hole? Why didn’t Bray talk about his fillings picking up radio stations?! I mean, while we’re saying absolute nonsense, might as well. Usually, I love Bray’s pseudo religious Matrix 3 dialogue, because playing Mad Libs with freshman philosophy students is really fun, but you’re too good for this, Bray. You’re too good for a lot of things you do, but that’s a different column (no it’s not).

F – For God’s sake, it’s Dolph Ziggler. Dolph Ziggler is funny like how Reader’s Digest is funny. He’s funny like how “working hard or hardly working?” is funny. I will concede that his new trunks are amazing. They look like bootleg Dolph Ziggler pajamas on Etsy. It’s as if he was like “what if I forget my initials during a match and have to confirm I read pages of a will? …I know!” I like what they did here, though. The quick victories are always fun when they mean something. Clearly this builds to something or another with both or just Dolph being frustrated, and those roll ups are good for making wrestling just a little more real.

G – Grade. B-. The matches were good! That’s a sentence because, wow. All of them, really. And the best part? They had context! Sure it was mostly nonsense, but nonsense context is still context Labrador Retriever buttermilk biscuit scuba helmet! No Shane, and that hurt, and it’s not like Undertaker coming out so we can watch him age in real time was a worthy replacement, but hey! Not bad! …I have low expectations. It was better than the guy holding his sign upside down behind the announce table but not as good as jumping when an elevator goes down (IT’S LIKE YOU’RE FLYING!)

H – Had been born a girl (and Shay will argue I was), I would rock the hell out of Stephanie’s dress. She looks amazing. And her hair! To die for. What? This is a wrestling column? And talking about girl’s clothes has nothing to do with mostly naked muscular men? Well, I’d argue against that…

I – I loved Steph just wrecking shit. She’s surprisingly strong! Is there a female equivalent to Dad Strength? She flipped that table like a pro. And it’s not like anything she said was wrong, anyway. The crowd wanted nothing to do with it, but her promo was impressive. It hit that wonderful groove between character and reality. We could have found a nice area of grey here but the crowd really dumped that in the trash. Hopefully they continue with this going forward despite the live objections. Her character’s motivations are really strong. That’s just good writing.

J – Just gorgeous. Sin Cara’s gear was incredible. It was like “What if the Venom symbiote attached itself to a just ok lucha libre wrestler”. Actually…that’s…DIBS! I call dibs on that! No one write that before I do!

K – Killed it. Totally subtle, guys. I had no idea that was an ad for Subway until my sixth viewing. It was just a totally regular segment treated as breaking news about what Nattie likes to eat when she works out. You know, like they always do. Just regular Raw stuff. Great job integrating that into the show. And Dean Ambrose fan girls, this is clearly proof Renee is some corporate shill and totally not right for Dean, who does like, whatever he wants because parents suck and they have no right to take your cell phone from you even though they pay your bill cause it’s like, your stuff.

L – Lame. Sucks seeing the Social Outcasts get beaten so badly/easily. I’m not some internet whiner who’s going to yell “Buried! They buried them!” but it did kind of suck. I get that it’s a joke gimmick to begin with but I think it’s got more legs than they’re giving them credit for. Yes, these are pretend fights and the pretend winners matter as much as who pretend has the pretend championships, but I can’t help but want to see the Social Outcasts pretend win and get some pretend prestige. …Pretend.

M – May you never have the dreams I had after seeing Big E’s creepy clap walk. It was like an unholy combination of Finn Balor’s fifth grade picture smile and a scary clown. Nightmare fuel.

N – Not calling them Y2(A)J. It’s stupid. Though if they adopt the way I write it, I might come around, because your intrepid writer is nothing if not vane. So, you know, hop on that and I’ll broadcast my love of them to all four readers of this prestigious column. That’s five more people than you had before, WWE. Ball. Is. In. Your. Court. You know where to send my Nintendo Online Shop cards and Bratz dolls. Same deal as before: a plastic bag under the fifth table at KFC. Which KFC? Doesn’t matter.

O – Oh man, anyone else look at Jericho and AJ standing next to each other and get creepy vibes? It’s like a middle aged, divorced teacher and the little stoner kid she diddles sometimes after school. It’s like a stock family photo that comes in one of those cheap frames from K-Mart. They look like they’re about to be interrupted by a white guy with a fade on Jerry Springer. They look like an Instagram post from the worst strip club in the world. They look like two unmasked super villains considering better life choices. Please stop standing next to each other. I don’t mind you wrestling together, because like I said last week, it’s pretty fun (for now. That stereo vaulting body press was great) but just try not to have a close up in each other’s general vicinity.

P – Please never stop allowing Todd Chrisley to be in the front row. In fact, I need a live stream on his face the entire three hours. I would pay extra to watch that on the Network. I desperately need his befuddled, closeted take on wrestling “These hoochie men in their tight little shorts need to learn to talk thangs out instead-a fightin’ like two queens! I’m not complainin’, I’m just sayin’. Stuff ‘em and cuff ‘em, ‘cause they floppin’ like fish!” Todd Chrisley is America’s uncle who is too old to come out now, so he passive-aggressively watches celebrity stalker shows and drinks before noon. He’s life.

Q – Quotes.

Triple H (to pizza sauce stained paper towel turned human, Dean Ambrose): “You really are crazy, aren’t you? I thought that was just a shtick you did for the people.” Thanks for explaining how wrestling works, Hunter!

Stephanie: “You will all be forced to bow down to your queen…..me!” The pause was everything. I laughed for a good two minutes about that. Never change.

Charlotte (to human female Becky of the clan Lynch and human female Sasha of the clan Boss): “Look at you…both of you…it’s like some seventh grade boy asked you out to the after school dance.” Charlotte talks as if she were an alien who’s still getting settled in. After school dance? As opposed to the ones in the middle of Science class?

Dean Ambrose (to Triple H): “Thank you.” Only men would fight each other because one said “Thank you”. I feel like if he had complimented Stephanie’s breasts instead Triple H would’ve kept walking.

R – Really love that the Undertaker got on a plane, went through baggage claim, walked through the airport, got settled in, ate some dinner, dyed his hair, apologized to the maid for all the stained towels, went to the arena the next day, put on his gear, got his hair wet, and walked to the ring to say about 25 words. It would’ve been cheaper and less effort just to put the man on speaker phone. Do you realize how much they had to pay him for that? He earned like $2000 a word.

S – Seriously though, it was pretty cool. I love the mystique, I love what he said, I love the implications. This feels big. It’s officially the match I’m most excited about. You know Shane is going to do something stupid and you know somehow it’s going to go wrong in the way only a Shane McMahon match can. He’s either the worst stunt man of all time or the best improv suicide enthusiast of all time.

T – Tables is a word. It’s the only word I have for the Bubba vs. Random Uso match. I don’t know, I guess it pushed along the story, but it’s hard to appreciate the slow progressions. It’s like a comic book: it’s a lot more entertaining reading six issues at once than waiting month to month. And it’s a lot easier to miss the really well done stuff when you can only see the trees and not the whole forest. I don’t necessarily know if there’s a solution for WWE’s problem with that (as opposed to comic books, which have issue collections called Trades that basically function like individual seasons on DVD do for TV) and the only real way to fix it is to try and get them out of the way as quick as possible – which felt like what we were doing here.

U – Ugly but fun. The Big Show/Owens match was such a fun study in wrestling logic. Why NOT beat Big Show by countout? What moron would actually try to fight this man? Their feud is so well done. Owens is a fantastic foil for a solid but often bored Big Show. Owens just brings so much to the table. He’s always got some new move or spot to push his matches into spectacles. I’m honestly excited about Big Show/Owens at Wrestlemania in what I assume will be a no DQ match or some variation there of (they’re all the same match, really. Cage match, Table match, TLC match, Ladder match, Falls Count Anywhere…the rules are all the same except for how to win. And what stops you from using a table in a Ladder match? Manners?)

V – Velvet. Naomi looks like the love child of a velvet couch cushion and a Lisa Frank binder. She looks like a gang leader in Candy Land. Her match was fine (besides the usual Brie Bella signature botches and mistimed everythings) but god did she look hilarious. It didn’t even match! Also, Lana is going to wrestle. This is going to be amazing. If her ring gear doesn’t have like five buttons on it, I’m going to be disappointed. Lana has ALL the buttons. Her jacket tonight looked like a Street Fight II cabinet.

W – Well, we now come full circle – Human/expired Band-Aid you forgot was in your cabinet Dean Ambrose vs. Del Rio. You know what, despite being somewhat averse to both men in ring, they had a fun little fight here. Del Rio’s double stump to a hanging Ambrose outside was FANTASTIC. And Dean’s idiotic, kinetic style even charmed me! I’d actually watch these guys again. Who says plastic grocery bags with shredded lettuce hanging out of them can’t be good wrestlers? Plus, you had to love the entire HHH beat down part. It (begrudgingly) highlights the best and most admirable traits of his chara—OH MY GOD BYRON JUST WENT FLYING. TRIPLE H JUST LITERALLY TOSSED BRYON EIGHT FEET. IT WAS LIKE ONE OF THOSE WEIRD SCOTTISH SPORTS ON EPSN 18. I THINK HE PICKED UP WIND AND FLOATED INTO THE RAFTERS. I DIDN’T SEE BYRON AFTERWARDS. IF YOU HAVE SEEN A PAPER AIRPLANE MATCHING BYRON’S DESCRIPTION, PLEASE CALL WWE. IF I WASN’T LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY I’D HELP.

X – Xylophone

Y – You know you’re watching Raw when…it takes the entire show for the guy behind the commentary table to turn his sign right side up. Finally got it when they announced the Free Birds for the Hall of Fame. Never give up, buddy!

Z – Zero. The number of Triple H costume changes (really disappointed). The number of Subway sandwiches I’ll ever eat again (pure spite). The number of Oscar references tonight. Just kidding! The entire show was terribly shoehorned references to a dying award show! Relevancy!

You can email Charles Cress at c_cress08@yahoo.com or follow him on Twitter at @CharlesCress

By: ShaLinda Mitchell

Last night I went to a WWE live event. This is news because this is the first one I’ve ever been to in my wrestling obsessed 28 years on this earth. And I have to say…it was the greatest moment of my life. I can’t imagine my life without live events now. I need to attend every single one in my area for the rest of my life. But enough about that, let’s discuss the event itself:

Match 1:

Tyler Breeze vs AJ Styles

Tyler came out and I lost my mind. I couldn’t scream loud enough. Funny how much these wrestlers mean to you when you’re near them as opposed to when they’re on TV. When AJ’s music hit the place went insane. It was such a huge pop. Also, let’s take a moment to reflect on the fact that I got to watch AJ Styles wrestle live. …And there’s the moment. AJ won with the calf crusher. Such a fun match. Loved AJ mocking Tyler’s post on the top rope.

Match 2:

Sin Cara vs Stardust

The “Lucha, Lucha” part played first and I thought it was Kalisto. Then I realized it was Sin Cara and I…. was worried Kalisto wouldn’t make it. But He did so well and he was decently over with the crowd. Stardust was the man, though. Not only did he come out and completely own the crowd as they were chanting Cody at him, he had so much personality and charisma. I just wish it translated over to TV. Seriously, Stardust was amazing to see live. Good match. Sin Cara wins.

Match 3:

Baron Corbin vs Zack Ryder

Mild reaction for Corbin, which is a shame because Corbin is one of the best guys in NXT. He’s gotten so good. Baron Corbin gets nothing but love and support from me.  Conversely, no matter how you feel about Zack Ryder, when he’s wooing right there in front of you, you kind of have to do it too. Baron wins with the End of Days.

Match 4:

R-Truth vs Curtis Axel w/Adam Rose

Truth was so over with the crowd it was crazy. I even found myself screaming “What’s up?!” at him.  But, this is when I also made the decision to go to the merch table. So, I waited to see who the opponent was, when I saw it was Axel, I waited to see Adam Rose (who I LOVE) and then went and bought a shirt.

Match 4.5:

Me vs. The Merch Table

I wanted a New Day shirt but they didn’t have them! I’m assuming they didn’t have them for sale because they weren’t there. But man, did they have Cena, Reigns and Dolph Ziggler… who were also not there. Anyway, I bought a Kevin Owens shirt because…everyone should own an Owens shirt. Duh. Truth won the match I left and Goldust came out. I don’t know what happened I was still at the table. I also bought a program! Yay!

Match 5:

Kalisto (c) vs Del Rio – United States Championship

Kalisto was the one people were waiting for and the pop for him was huge. The Lucha chant was over strong. Del Rio came out to a good reaction as well, booed heavily. It was very nice. This was a great match, good classic heel moments from Del Rio. Kalisto is so fast, it’s unreal.  Kalisto won with the Salida Del Sol.

Intermission

Match 6:

Sheamus vs Mark Henry

Mark Henry spent so much time in Louisville, so long ago, that it’s no surprise that he was over with us. Louisville loves Mark Henry. And that’s cool…but I love Sheamus. I may have been the only one cheering him but at least he knew he had the support. Sheamus did a decent promo on the city and then beat Mark in a pretty slow match. The highlight of the night came when Sheamus rolled himself up the entrance ramp following his victory. Man is he fun.

Match 7:

BFFs (Summer Rae & Sasha) vs Team Bad

BFFs (aka “Sasha was always the one”) vs Team Bad. Lita is my all time favorite WWE Diva. There’s nothing I’ve wanted more in my life than to meet her at least once. Sasha Banks has now replaced that feeling in my heart. Seeing Sasha Banks live was truly an amazing experience. The love from the crowd should not go unnoticed: we popped for her song, we popped for her and then we let her and everyone in that ring that wasn’t her, that we wanted her.  Sasha is everything. Also, the match was good and Naomi’s light up kicks are incredible to see in person. I want them badly. Sasha wins via Banks Statement on Naomi.

Match 8:

The Main Event

Dean Ambrose vs Kevin Owens (c) – Intercontinental Championship

Let the record show, I am a big fan of Dean Ambrose and a long standing fan of Kevin Owens. No issues with these guys main eventing but I could have sworn the ads were promoting a street fight from these two and a 2 out of 3 falls from Del Rio/Kalisto but maybe I’m still coming off my WWE high.  Regardless, the match was PPV level. Owens is the one to watch, folks. There is no one who does it like Owens. From his athleticism, to his ring work, to his mic skills and charisma, talk about an A+ player.  Owens owned that ring and that crowd. Dean Ambrose had the biggest pop of the night, though. The place was deafening when his music hit. So cool to see Dean Ambrose work live, another guy that’s so good at what he does. Ambrose wins via DQ because Owens was being Owens and didn’t stop beating down past the count of five. He then cut a promo on the city, the fans, everything and announced himself as IC champ still. He continued to attack Dean during the promo. Rich. Then Ambrose hit the Dirty Deeds to send everyone home happy.

All in all for my first show, it was electrifying and it’s awakened something in me. I will NEVER EVVVEER miss the chance to see a WWE live show again. It’s an experience like no other and now I want other shows too. I want TNA, I want ROH, I want Evolve. I want it all. I want it now.

By: ShaLinda Mitchell

Welcome to the Tuesday Night Impact! Recap.  We’re going to highlight the best moments, thoughts and WTF’s from TNA.

• Ladies and Gentlemen, we have officially entered Lockdown. We start with Beer Money facing Bram and Eric Young in a six sides of steel match.  Beer Money is still my favorite TNA tag team ever.  Sorry MCMG, you’re a close second, it’s just that James Storm and Bobby Roode have some of the best chemistry of any team in TNA history. Ugh, rethinking that last sentence now because James Storm just performed my biggest pet peeve in the history of wrestling – he took a cup from a fan and drank it. That fan could have anything!  Eww.  If I was Bram, I would punch him in the face too. Anyways, Beer Money wins and this was clearly the best choice. Not a bad match at all from Beer Money/Eric Young & Bram (besides Storm’s ugly hurricanrana) but I was expecting a little bit more.

• Madison Rayne is a terrible actress but it looks like she’s been attacked. How does this effect the Knockouts Lethal Lockdown match?

• Gregory Helms! Hello Hurricane! Here comes Trevor Lee, our X Division champion…facing Tigre Uno? Draw 4! I love the aggression from Uno. Trevor Lee is not a bad seller, pretty impressed. How did I know he was a Matt & Jeff Hardy trained guy though? I saw him wrestling and just knew he was one of theirs…looked up his wiki and yep, he’s one of them. UNO don’t take the unnecessary risk, it never works!!  WOW.  Pretty cool ass crossbody from the top! He got amazing height off of that. Decent finish. Trevor Lee retains. I like Trevor Lee’s finisher! That Fisherman Buster with the immediate pin is nice.

• EC3 is going to bless us on the mic. Jesus, thank you. EC3 calls out Rockstar Spud who is wearing the worst suit I’ve ever seen in my life. Honestly, I thought I was having an acid trip when he came out. Do I do acid? No, but maybe I was drugged.  EC3 compares Rockstar Spud to a Gazelle. I appreciate that EC3 realizes how amazing Gazelle’s are. They’re passionate, beautiful creatures. Annndd here comes the “Iconic” Matt Hardy dressed in a smoking jacket? Or band leader jacket? Or as a cheetah posing as a person? I’m not sure what he’s wearing but Matt cannot compete with EC3 on the mic. This wasn’t a bad segment at all though (minus their sartorial choices), love the fire in all three guys.

• Rosemary is scary as hell. Jimmy Havoc just gave her a gift. I…I don’t…I don’t understand this love. Not at all. Oh god! Her creepy boyfriend. Jesus Christ, that’s scary as hell.

• Gail Kim just asked Maria to replace Madison Rayne. Clearly we’re all suckers for punishment, Gail Kim included. Will Maria accept? Probably. Seems like it. I expect shenanigans though.

• KO Lethal Lockdown! Starting off with Jade and KO Champion Gail Kim. Nice exchange of Hurricanranas. Jade’s was better. Marti Bell has entered and I ask, Why? Velvet Sky has entered and again I ask, why? Clock ticking and here comes Rebel who doesn’t look too bad but moves kind of gingerly like she’s still figuring things out. Maria has come out and what’s that? Is that shenanigans?! Maria leaves Gail and Velvet to fight for themselves and then locks them in. What a bitch… I love it. Double flapjack off the top, nice. Good package piledriver on the steel cage too but this match seemed…tamed compared to KO battles and wars in the past. Shame.

• EC3 runs into Kurt Angle. Kurt Angle is wrong. EC3 is not going to be the face of the company…he IS the face of the company! Get it right, Angle. Geez.

• Decay is so scary but not in the good way.

• The idea of Angle retiring makes me happy because Angle should be retired but also is sad because it’s the end of an era. He came into the industry like a wrecking ball. He adapted and grew so well as a sports entertainer. I’ll miss him.

• Oh here comes Lashley, I really hope he’s gotten better. Lashley still looks like Wayne Brady but on less drugs. Why is he dressed like 50 Cent but shares DNA with Wayne Brady? Who made Lashley? Anyway, not a bad promo from Lashley. That Angle intensity was always a favorite. Hmm, kind of want to watch them wrestle now. Good job.

• Eli Drake and Odarg The Great is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen in my life. Also, I love it. This cage match is pure comedy and I don’t need this. Also, thank god for blurring Eli Drake’s ass. I didn’t need to see that. Aw man, is Odarg The Great winning me over? I’m…I’m falling for this… damn it! WIN damn you! WIN!!! HE WON! NO! His mask came off. I feel like this is going to be a problem.  Well, regardless, life is made. TNA has made a fan of me again.

• The Decay really feels like Jimmy Havoc should be aligned with them. But I’m a sucker for an accent and a heart. Let’s go Havoc!

• Damn you Drake! Damn you Billy! I hate the Smashing Pumpkins anyway! Grado come back. I love you. Marry me!

• Kurt Angle vs Bobby Roode next week? Drew Galloway vs Mike Bennett? I’m in next week. I’m so in.

• Matt Hardy clothing status: Still looks ridiculous.  EC3 on the other hand: looks glorious. STEVE BLACKMAN! He wasn’t there but it’s a reference. You stupid kids and your reality era. Upset Tyrus isn’t carrying baby Hardy. Really? I’ve been trying to not rag on the commentary all night because it’s not about them but Pope just said “As Whitney Houston would say, “It’s not right, but it’s okay” …so done.  Rest of this on mute. I have to get this in as well…shut up Josh. I refuse to deal with this anymore.  This is a good match, though. EC3 is life. He just flipped his crap and I love it. He’s bleeding, he’s angry, let’s do this. Rockstar Spud runs down and helps Matt Hardy retain and then smashes EC3 with a steel chair on the head. What a terrible…..Twist of Fate. (thumbs up, sunglasses on). The foreshadowed the crap out of this turn with the segment earlier but I’m all in.

I am genuinely surprised I liked Impact! I haven’t watched TNA in a while because it always found a way to turn me off but if there was ever away to win someone back, tonight was it. Excited to see what happens next week.

By: Charles Cress

I think the title speaks for itself. Smackdown WAS indeed a thing that happened. Look, there’s a reason this isn’t an Alphabet Soup column. I dreaded writing Alphabet Soup columns for Smackdown way back when. It’s 90% kelp. You know those really cheap, suspicious, generically packaged gallons of “fruit punch” you can buy at the grocery store? The ones that, if you look closely, say “Contains no actual juice”? That’s Smackdown. If you look really close it says “Contains no actual story”. I remember being freaked out looking at a generic half-gallon of lemonade that literally said “Lemonade Drink”. Not lemonade. Lemonade drink. What part is missing that legally calling it lemonade wouldn’t work?! There’s only three ingredients!

That’s Smackdown. I’m worried what’s missing.

• Still all-in on Triple H/Roman. The bloody tape was money! I know recently it’s been speculated that the color on Raw was via blood capsules, and if so…so what? I actually prefer that. Let’s NOT bleed all over each other and spread potential diseases to our fans, employees, and peers, alright guys? That’d be great. I mean, it’s a work. This is a story. Am I supposed to be impressed if it’s real? Why? It’s the image that matters. It’s the incredible tableau on Raw that really sold the story. Would you be mad if Walter White didn’t actually bleed? By the way, still can’t get over Triple H literally changing clothes to go attack Roman

HHH: “Where’s my tough guy jeans, Steph? The ones that fit me like a dad!”

Steph: “Why, Hunter? You’re already dressed. Just go out there.”

HHH (whining): “Ugghh you don’t get it! It’s a guy thing! I gotta look toooouuuggghhh!”

Steph (giving up to go watch Bones, texting Seth Rollins): “…Check the laundry, Hunter.”

• It’s not that I DON’T care what happens with anyone in the second match but Kalisto, it’s just that…well, yeah, I don’t care, actually. The League of Nations is such a great idea in theory. Really strong concept and a smart use of random heels with nowhere to go (by the way, nowhere is it more obvious that WWE loves to fetishize and patronize different cultures than the wildly simplistic gimmicks of the men involved here), but it doesn’t necessarily entertain me. Milage may vary, of course, but I just don’t get excited by Rusev et. al. Rusev especially has literally only appealed to me twice in his career – the first time I saw him at Royal Rumble doing crazy jumping kicks and his triple-threat with Owens and Cesaro, which I think caused me to have an actual orgasm. Best triple-threat in the last five years. Oh man…I’m feeling flush…I…whoo…there it goes again. Alright, back on track! The faces don’t really get me going with, especially Dolph Ziggler. He’s just…there. I guess his best comparison is pre-New Day Kofi Kingston. You’d go “Hey, it’s Kofi! …cool, I guess”. There’s nothing left for Dolph to accomplish in his current incarnation and his “charm” has worn its welcome. Meh. At least Kalisto was here! I love you, Kalisto!

• Wow, I liked a Big Show match. And I don’t think it’s Big Show’s fault I haven’t like a match of his in a while (his Mark Henry matches really did something for me. I’m an eight year old at heart – two big guys smashing against each other is life. Since then it’s been downhill…) It’s just that Big Show is much more interesting when his opponent brings something to the table. Big Show still matters! But he has to be part of an additive equation. It can’t be Big Show makes someone bad look good – he’s carried too many guys and it always comes off really odd, like when your dad let you beat him up. When it’s Big Show and someone who also adds something to the board, he’s pretty great. They even did some new spots here! Kevin no doubt had some fun ideas for how to use Big Show and his win was nicely respective of the fear Big Show should have on every superstar. Also, Kevin Owens. He’s the best thing since the phrase “the best thing since sliced bread”.

• Everytime I see Nattie wrestle, I have the same reaction “Oh man, I forgot how good Nattie is!” She was the Four Horsewomen before the Four Horsewomen. Absolutely preternaturally gifted. And her match here was ok until it was nonsense fodder. I was mostly just amused at how incrementally it advanced the story. You’d need a magnifying glass to see what this added to the Sasha/Becky vs. Team Bad feud. Good old Smackdown!

• Half this show was recaps and when I got sleepy, I started to think I traveled back to Monday. But then I remember Einstein’s paradox about if you intend to invent a time machine on Wednesday to travel back to Tuesday, you’d know if you succeeded before you even invented the machine. I don’t REMEMBER seeing myself on Monday, though I’m sure I would’ve been cautious, so…

• Goldust/R-Truth is a nice way to get Truth back into the fold since his crazy (pun not intended. It’s never intended. DOWN WITH PUNS) popularity for generally depicting a man in the midst of mental illness. Oscar worthy. Mismatched teams > enemy teams > generic guys with long hair and matching tights.

• AJ STYLES DANCING FOREVER. I’m pretty sure he just hit the Stanky Leg. He’s having ALL the fun. All of it. Another cute match for Y2AJ (I just puked a little). I still think this is going to end with them facing again at Wrestlemania but then again, I also thought I time traveled two paragraphs ago, so moot point, I suppose. To be clear, it’s not that I don’t enjoy Jericho and Styles teaming up – it surprisingly makes sense! – it’s that I don’t want to get too attached because I think I know where it’s going. I don’t need that kind of heartbreak.

Well, that was Smackdown. Tl;dr – Stanky leg, time travel. magnifying glasses, and accidental orgasms during wrestling matches. Thanks, everyone!

By: Charles Cress

A – Almost. We almost got a show that didn’t start with the Authority or some proxy their of rambling on about whatever because at that point I start checking my Twitter. I mean, at least it was Vince “The Funky Weapon” McMahon and not Trips, but still. So, here we go. Another seg–

B – Boy, you got a fat neck! That is from immortal (but so very dead) Cotton Hill and it’s going out to (the immortal and only presumed dead after certain matches) Shane McMahon! Wow. Ok. This is how you shake things up, I suppose. Rating ARE down, yes (how much that actually matters depends on how much you’re trying to convince someone the show currently sucks) and if anything can bring it back, well, a resurrection is a nice start. It’s very rare to see a live exhibition of voodoo magic, so that should be good for .5 points.

C – Charles Cress. That’s me, by the way, and before we get too ahead of ourselves, if you’re new to this column, here’s how it works: I run down a given show using the letters of the alphabet as jumping off points. It goes in (mostly) chronological order with the exception of certain letters that stay the same (G – Grade, etc.) It’s humorous, sometimes illuminating, always gay for some reason, and thoughtful. So, if this is your first, I’m proud to take it from you (see? There’s that gay thing. Oh man, wait until I talk about Cody Rhodes).

D – Deadman. So, Shane O’ Mac is a terrible negotiator and has somehow been roped into fighting Undertaker at Wrestlemania (he should have at least bargained for a copy of the DVD when it’s out). It really makes perfect sense though: low impact match for Taker, lapsed fans will tune in for the buildup, and what better way to end Shane’s career than finally just have him fight death one on one (as opposed to death attempting run-in’s during Shane’s other matches)?

E – Eh. New Day gets a TV win to keep them on…well, TV and we remind everyone that Sin Cara 14.2 is functioning pretty well (always a nice goose to the stock price to see their tech on all cylinders. Literally. He’s mostly cylinders. Like…imagine 20 Edison gramophones with duct tape). It’s just a match to do a match. But poor Neville. He’s like a lost puppy. He just sort of follows around shiny people for a time until they kick a can at him and tell him to scram. Neville is WWE’s little brother: fun sometimes, annoying sometimes, always trying to cramp your style. When you’re older you’ll understand, Neville.

F – Freaking god! Big E’s dive through the ropes always gets me. It deserves its own letter.

G – Grade. C-. It started off really fun, nicely playing our expectations of another terrible show opening against us. And then it sort of…what’s that word for slowing immolating while simultaneously tap dancing? Oh? There’s…there’s not one? Oh. Well if there was, that’d be this. It just really had a noticeable down slope until the end (hence the tap dancing). It was better than hamburgers but not as good as cheeseburgers.

H – How much do I love the Dean/Brock story? Oh let me count thy ways. 1. Brock looks like an unthawed dinosaur king. 2. Brock’s face looks like it was carved into Mount Rushmore with all his weird ridges. 3. I like making fun of the way Brock looks. And finally, 4. (the non Brock mocking reason) The way they are booking Dean is just really entertaining. I love him as this indestructible psycho. This man already teetering on the edge of reality and polite social constructs further sliding down the slope. He doesn’t know not to stop. Because he doesn’t understand why WE would. He’s an outsider, mentally. And I think it’s such an intriguing character matchup for the immovable object, Brock Lesnar. I would read this comic book!

I – I love that Dean Ambrose hit a trash can somewhere in the back and in-between cutting to Brock and Dean making his way to the arena area, no one removed. They just left it there. Amazing. I also love that he has a fetish for driving ambulances. It’s one of those weird, specific fetishes you’d see late night on HBO or something. I could see a Behind the Music thing where everything turns grayscale and he’s all “I just couldn’t stop. At that point I was banging my head against walls just to get my ambulance fix. But I’m four years clean now. Will I ever be able to be transmitted to a Medical Facility without getting an erection? Probably not. But I can proudly say I don’t have to have sex with the gas hole anymore. And that’s progress.

J – Just kidding, he still has sex with ambulances.

K – Konnor and Victor. Bet you didn’t even know he spelled it like that, did ya? Did I make that up? Would you even know? Exactly. They got the jobber entrance! At what point does two painted up harbingers of the apocalypse waiting to come back from commercial just sort of kill this thing? Not that it matters anyway. I literally hit the button to skip ahead and the match was over. It was like a backstage segment with the added bonus of seeing two men die a little inside on live TV.

L –Let’s just pretend Chris Jericho didn’t say his match against AJ was one of his best. Was it good? …Sorta! It was better than it had any right to be, and the really fun feud they’ve had makes up for it. I wrote about this elsewhere on this site, but it was so rewarding to see the old school feud play out. It was respect. Old vs. New. Guys scrapping for their place. Plus, whenever Jericho calls him out we get to hear AJ’s song, so that’s always a plus. THEY DON’T WANT NONE.

M – Man, them as a team though? Like…I don’t know (swear I wasn’t trying to do a Shaggy impression)! Part of me is excited! It’s interesting! I honestly never would have guessed this is how they’d use AJ. Kudos for thinkng outside the box…unless this just a slow burn to one more Jericho/Styles match, this time with some stipulation at Wrestlemania. And I think that’s what this is. But I’m going to enjoy the team while it lasts. Main-eventers teaming up > long haired guys wearing the same outfits (which describes 80% of all tag teams).

N – No one better. Stephanie is the best at being faux-sincere. She would be the greatest elementary teacher of all time. “Misses Stephanie, do you like my drawing?!” (Drawing is what appears to be a person, except their arms and legs are coming out of their head) “Sure honey! Looks grrreeat!” Stephanie is so adorable. Just one time I want to be in the car with her when a girl power song comes on and see her snap her neck back and forth.

O – Oh man, they are really going to run this back, aren’t they? I’m not AGAINST the idea of this Wyatt/Bald Guy Mafia match, I’m just pretty sure they aren’t going to catch lightning in a bottle twice. The Fastlane version was somehow not the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen. They’re playing with house money at this point, and I get that, but know when to hold them and when to fold them, guys. This has diminishing returns! And if you wanted that outcome…why not do that last night? I still don’t get why they lost. Did they forget the finish at Fastlane so they’re just doing runsies backsies? Also, no argument that the spotlight should be on Ryback. THOSE KNEES.

P – Pretty sure I just fell in love with Sasha’s new ring gear. It’s like she’s wearing outer space on her lady bits and that does something to me for reasons I’m not quite ready (and don’t have enough money) to deal with. On another (less self confessional/creepy) note, it looks like we’re going for a triple threat at Wrestlemania. I would strongly prefer a singles match (Sasha shines a lot better with one more mind to account for in planning) but WWE would really benefit from the tableau of the (Three) Horsewomen standing together one year later at Wrestlemania. It’s more marketing than matchmaking prowess, but at least Sasha is there somehow!

Q – Quotes.

Paul Heyman, pretending to be Dean Ambrose on a motorcycle – “Ennhhhhhh ennnhhhh rannnhhhhh……..ennnnhhh rannnhhh!” What am I doing with my life every Monday?

Bo Dallas (in response to Axel saying he was being sarcastic) – “I know! I was too!” YOU’RE TOO CUTE BO. STOP IT. STOP IT NOW.

Charlotte (talking about Sasha and Becks – that’s what I call her. I can do that. You can’t. But I digress): “It’s like Amy Pohler and Tina Fey…but with cheaper hair dye!” NO! Stop it now! Bad wrestler! Do not try comedy! I will get the rolled up newspaper I use on Dolph! I swear to god!

R – Really love the “Future Total Diva” sign in the crowd. Is that a time traveling Mandy?!

S – So the Godfather is going into the Hall of Fame. I heard the ring skirt from the ’95 Royal Rumble is headlining next year. ‘Cause if we’re just going to throw anyone/thing in there, I’m partial to the purple. I know, I know, it’s a kayfabe Hall of Fame. And not even in that sense. In the sense that no one goes in only on merit. Guys have gotten in as part of merchandising agreements! Good for Godfather. Good for those hoes. But you know…I’m not gonna take it seriously.

T – Totally guys. Guys. Guys. GUYS. I got a brilliant idea! Remember that match no one wanted to see? No, not that one. No…no…the other one. No. Yeah! Roman vs. Sheamus! Let’s do it…again! In Pog form!

U – Ugh. Ok, I’m not going to be a negative Nelly (though I will be a positive Nelly. His country-esque songs are just delightful). Sheamus has merit. He can even be fun! And Roman is Roman. And if you promise not to tell the internet…I kinda love him (not like I love Cody. More like how I love pretending I’m a cannibalistic serial killer eating the throat of a Pez Dispenser who stumbled onto the wrong side of the tracks when I eat Pez). He does exactly what he’s supposed to do and he’s quite underrated on the mic. Plus, his name is deliciously dumb. It’s like they were trying to come up with a pun and gave up because it was lunch or something.

V – Very good! God I love everything about the post-match beat down. And I say this AS a Roman fan. Because it’s not about fandoms – it’s about story! Coupled with Roman’s post show tweet (if you haven’t go find it now) it creates this awesome tapestry. Would this have worked better with Seth Rollins in the Roman spot? Of course! But it still works. This is Triple H stepping down from his ivory tower to get his own hands dirty (with blood). The king relinquishing to crown just to make a point: Roman is no hero. He’s nothing. Because no one can be bigger than Triple H (the character, calm down internet). He’s god and all false idols must die less they take his spot. It’s an inherently paranoid act. He’s flailing wildly into the wind. Anything to keep from surrendering his hold on WWE.

W – Well, how was that for a come back? I tried, guys. Hope you liked it! Join me again for Smackdown (maybe!). Or maybe just Raw (Smackdown is boring).

X – Xylophone

Y – You know you’re watching Raw when…Triple H has a mid show costume change.

Z – Zero. The number of ambulances Dean Ambrose has violated this month (before today). The times I heard Byron Saxton tonight. The number of tickets I had to this show. Weep for me!

You can email Charles Cress at c_cress08@yahoo.com or follow him on Twitter at @CharlesCress