And so we’re here again. I struggled to even get my thoughts down because my damn DVR didn’t record Smackdown (definitely not my fault. Nope.) Thankfully, Hulu exists and I haven’t started free trial there and deleted it after a few days yet (as opposed to most other websites). So, here we are! Let’s dive into this…show…that happened…

• Boot Cut Jeans incarnate Dean Ambrose started us off yet again, and it was…it existed. Hey, that’s the theme of these reviews anyway! I don’t know. I just think his wackiness has diminishing returns. At some point it veers over the line from “tough guy” to “immortal”. By all accounts, Dean Ambrose should be dead. Brock Lesnar literally stepped on his head. For a good two seconds, he and chewed bubblegum inhabited the same plane (chewed bubblegum, by the way, is another great way to describe Dean Ambrose). What’s the point of him? He gets beaten up constantly. He’s going to lose to Brock. He’s more Chester Cheetah (dangerously cheesy) than Stone Cold Steve Austin.

• I like Jerry Lawler basically saying all Samoans look alike. Classy. Never chan—actually, you know what? Please change.

• Uso’s vs. League of Nations was cute. Again, this is par for the course on Smackdown. It didn’t advance anything. It didn’t serve a greater purpose. It was wrestling for the sake of wrestling. And hey! I like wrestling. But CONTEXT. Ugh. At least we got to watch Sheamus exist, which is always fun. How have they never dressed him as Jack Frost for Halloween? Rusev is always fun too, because like Khali before him, I’m not entirely sure he understands everything that’s happening. It’s 35/65 odds that Rusev believes he’s fighting for his freedom in some kind of Planet Hulk setting. He swings his feet at people like he’s waiting for the emperor to give him a thumbs up or something. How long until he’s fed to the lions? He will kill to stay alive. He will. But he’s coming for the emperor.

• THAT SUPERKICK BY USO #2 DOE.

• In the grand tradition of Smackdown being the last Raw if transcribed by someone kind of paying attention, we’re running back that whole “quick win” bit with Dolph and Miz, but switching the winner. Clearly we’re building to something I suppose, and I always appreciate a good mid card feud, but I can’t help my apathy here. I’m going to try and stick with it. Mostly because I have to. I write this.

• Two things I love about the Truth/Goldust bit: Goldust eats with his full gear and face paint on. Which means his food must constantly taste like colors, which is delicious. And you can’t help but love Truth’s taste in clothing. He dresses like a freezing cold youth counselor. He dresses like Jesus going to his Sweet 16. He looks like a Christian metal band started by early season Friends characters bequeathed their possessions to him. He’s incredible.

• Like I said: the last Raw if transcribed by someone kind of paying attention. Becky vs. Sasha! Good back and forth! And then…interference! Because both are back on their sleeping medication since Raw! You know, there was some good stuff here though. It’s not like I don’t want to watch them wrestle – I do! It’s just we all know how this is ending and we’ve already seen it. Thankfully, Sasha brought me into this match with those knees. Sasha has become a pro at those double knees. ALMOST as good as Evan Borne’s. And Becky always seems world’s better when she’s playing off a fellow NXT Diva. She’s alright with the long time girls, but there’s so many little mistakes that taint the whole thing. They never quite have the timing down – who’s fault that is, I don’t know (IT’S NOT BECKY’S). Special mention here for Mauro covering up the Diva Signature “one leg dropkick” as a “leg lariat”. This guy. This guy. And you know, I might have even enjoyed this bout more than Monday’s because of Mauro. He always sounds like he bet a bunch of money on each match and every pinfall could lose him ten grand. Just fantastic storytelling.

• …At least I did like him until he called Becky “Becks”. WE’VE DISCUSSED THIS BEFORE. THAT’S MY NAME FOR HER.

• I love that the sun and moon are miracles. WHAT ABOUT MAGNETS, KOFI? HOW DO THEY WORK?!

• New Day did their thing and for sitting through it, we got the joy of watching Kofi vs. Styles. And god was it worth it. Like special little snowflakes dancing in the wind. How can you not love the solo stampede? And that crispy cross body of the ropes by AJ? It’s so hard in general to say more about Smackdown other than “that match was cool” or “that match wasn’t” because their simply isn’t enough larger movement to extrapolate story or character development from. I know I’m harping on it, but it’s the one thing I CAN talk about during Smackdown that has some meat to it. Half the things that happen on it will just be ignored on Raw. Smackdown ALWAYS includes two Raw segments – Raw includes none from Smackdown. And that’s for a reason. I almost question if we even need Smackdown. If it wasn’t for the chance to see some young guys ply their trade, I’d be ok if Smackdown went away.

• I’m very confused by this beast Bray is describing. Seven heads and ten horns? How…how are the horns distributed? Double up on three, one on each of the rest? Do the other heads resent their double horned brothers? I need pictures please.

• I mean, I guess Ambrose/Owens was cute. They’ve really perfected every variation of this match through house shows and their best 47 out of 93 series on TV and it shows. Competent. But not entertaining exactly. I mostly spent the time trying to think of new ways to describe Dean Ambrose. He’s like a store brand pop bottle with googly eyes. He’s looks like a dusty VHS case. Dean Ambrose is the human version of one of those pens at the bank broken off from the metal ball thing and laying on the floor.

Well, that was Smackdown. Tl;dr – Killing arena, Jesus, magnets, and tasty colors. Thanks, everyone!