By: Charles Cress

A – Authority. Webster’s Dictionary defines authority as…god, I love Triple H’s middle school essay start to Raw. You can just hear him listening to Now That’s What I Call Music and trying to think of other ways to start sentences besides “the”. “And? Can…can you start a sentence with that?”

B – By the time I finish writing this, WWE Shop will have released another Dean Ambrose shirt. No, seriously. Go look at Dean’s WWE Shop page, I’ll wait……back now? Ok. Dean has approximately 34 shirts. They cover a wide variety of topics, like the mental stability of Dean and the mental stability of Dean. His shirts are like metaphorical bullets fileting well-meaning but insane teenage girl fish. Dean Ambrose fans are what happens when kids are allowed to watch TV unsupervised. He’s somehow both squinting nightmares from Twilight wrapped into one smelly guy with hair like terrible van carpeting. Oh, and have you ever seen his fingers? Watch him hold the microphone. They’re like…broken glue sticks. They don’t even look like they’re supposed to bend. Dean Ambrose is a defective Stretch Armstrong, but instead of leaking corn syrup he leaks lice and 5-packs of Hanes tank tops. Have you ever stopped and just looked at Dean like a normal person? He looks the main character of a Pixar movie about sentient used chapstick. And the crazy thing is ridiculous anyway. What has he done to prove he’s crazy besides some light grand theft auto and encouraging people to beat him up? His gimmick is basically a submissive weed dealer, but I suppose that doesn’t sell shirts. …That being said…he was funny in this segment. Nice job!

C – Championship match! Love the idea of a stop-gap championship match to fill the space before Wrestlemania. Dean vs. Hunter should be pretty entertaining and do a nice job setting them both up for their divergent paths. It’s just…cute, honestly. It’s fun to pretend Wrestlemania isn’t preordained and just go for it. At the very least, it will make for a fun 10 minutes before Roman comes out and suplexes a bus on top of Triple H.

D – Damn! That was a Diva’s match! Becks (again, only I can call her this) and Sasha (anyone can call her this, I suppose…) put on a nice NXT style match. Just fluid, smooth, powerful looking moves. Sure it ended with a rare double narcolepsy (first used by Sleepy Mulligan and “Lights Out” McNap in Nineteen dickity-two) but we get to see them wrestle again, so the real winner is us…and both of them. That’s how draws work. I think. They aren’t really clear on this. I mean, yeah, they both won…but also, they both won! Shouldn’t they both be number one contender? Was this thrown out solely on the basis of their medical conditions? I’d respect that if they just said so.

E – Everyone knows that’s the definition of insanity, Bray. Did you also know human’s only use 10% of their brain, but if you swallow a bunch of pills you turn into Bradley Cooper? Did you also know that onetime, a spider laid its eggs in this lady’s stomach, and they crawled out of her baby hole? Why didn’t Bray talk about his fillings picking up radio stations?! I mean, while we’re saying absolute nonsense, might as well. Usually, I love Bray’s pseudo religious Matrix 3 dialogue, because playing Mad Libs with freshman philosophy students is really fun, but you’re too good for this, Bray. You’re too good for a lot of things you do, but that’s a different column (no it’s not).

F – For God’s sake, it’s Dolph Ziggler. Dolph Ziggler is funny like how Reader’s Digest is funny. He’s funny like how “working hard or hardly working?” is funny. I will concede that his new trunks are amazing. They look like bootleg Dolph Ziggler pajamas on Etsy. It’s as if he was like “what if I forget my initials during a match and have to confirm I read pages of a will? …I know!” I like what they did here, though. The quick victories are always fun when they mean something. Clearly this builds to something or another with both or just Dolph being frustrated, and those roll ups are good for making wrestling just a little more real.

G – Grade. B-. The matches were good! That’s a sentence because, wow. All of them, really. And the best part? They had context! Sure it was mostly nonsense, but nonsense context is still context Labrador Retriever buttermilk biscuit scuba helmet! No Shane, and that hurt, and it’s not like Undertaker coming out so we can watch him age in real time was a worthy replacement, but hey! Not bad! …I have low expectations. It was better than the guy holding his sign upside down behind the announce table but not as good as jumping when an elevator goes down (IT’S LIKE YOU’RE FLYING!)

H – Had been born a girl (and Shay will argue I was), I would rock the hell out of Stephanie’s dress. She looks amazing. And her hair! To die for. What? This is a wrestling column? And talking about girl’s clothes has nothing to do with mostly naked muscular men? Well, I’d argue against that…

I – I loved Steph just wrecking shit. She’s surprisingly strong! Is there a female equivalent to Dad Strength? She flipped that table like a pro. And it’s not like anything she said was wrong, anyway. The crowd wanted nothing to do with it, but her promo was impressive. It hit that wonderful groove between character and reality. We could have found a nice area of grey here but the crowd really dumped that in the trash. Hopefully they continue with this going forward despite the live objections. Her character’s motivations are really strong. That’s just good writing.

J – Just gorgeous. Sin Cara’s gear was incredible. It was like “What if the Venom symbiote attached itself to a just ok lucha libre wrestler”. Actually…that’s…DIBS! I call dibs on that! No one write that before I do!

K – Killed it. Totally subtle, guys. I had no idea that was an ad for Subway until my sixth viewing. It was just a totally regular segment treated as breaking news about what Nattie likes to eat when she works out. You know, like they always do. Just regular Raw stuff. Great job integrating that into the show. And Dean Ambrose fan girls, this is clearly proof Renee is some corporate shill and totally not right for Dean, who does like, whatever he wants because parents suck and they have no right to take your cell phone from you even though they pay your bill cause it’s like, your stuff.

L – Lame. Sucks seeing the Social Outcasts get beaten so badly/easily. I’m not some internet whiner who’s going to yell “Buried! They buried them!” but it did kind of suck. I get that it’s a joke gimmick to begin with but I think it’s got more legs than they’re giving them credit for. Yes, these are pretend fights and the pretend winners matter as much as who pretend has the pretend championships, but I can’t help but want to see the Social Outcasts pretend win and get some pretend prestige. …Pretend.

M – May you never have the dreams I had after seeing Big E’s creepy clap walk. It was like an unholy combination of Finn Balor’s fifth grade picture smile and a scary clown. Nightmare fuel.

N – Not calling them Y2(A)J. It’s stupid. Though if they adopt the way I write it, I might come around, because your intrepid writer is nothing if not vane. So, you know, hop on that and I’ll broadcast my love of them to all four readers of this prestigious column. That’s five more people than you had before, WWE. Ball. Is. In. Your. Court. You know where to send my Nintendo Online Shop cards and Bratz dolls. Same deal as before: a plastic bag under the fifth table at KFC. Which KFC? Doesn’t matter.

O – Oh man, anyone else look at Jericho and AJ standing next to each other and get creepy vibes? It’s like a middle aged, divorced teacher and the little stoner kid she diddles sometimes after school. It’s like a stock family photo that comes in one of those cheap frames from K-Mart. They look like they’re about to be interrupted by a white guy with a fade on Jerry Springer. They look like an Instagram post from the worst strip club in the world. They look like two unmasked super villains considering better life choices. Please stop standing next to each other. I don’t mind you wrestling together, because like I said last week, it’s pretty fun (for now. That stereo vaulting body press was great) but just try not to have a close up in each other’s general vicinity.

P – Please never stop allowing Todd Chrisley to be in the front row. In fact, I need a live stream on his face the entire three hours. I would pay extra to watch that on the Network. I desperately need his befuddled, closeted take on wrestling “These hoochie men in their tight little shorts need to learn to talk thangs out instead-a fightin’ like two queens! I’m not complainin’, I’m just sayin’. Stuff ‘em and cuff ‘em, ‘cause they floppin’ like fish!” Todd Chrisley is America’s uncle who is too old to come out now, so he passive-aggressively watches celebrity stalker shows and drinks before noon. He’s life.

Q – Quotes.

Triple H (to pizza sauce stained paper towel turned human, Dean Ambrose): “You really are crazy, aren’t you? I thought that was just a shtick you did for the people.” Thanks for explaining how wrestling works, Hunter!

Stephanie: “You will all be forced to bow down to your queen…..me!” The pause was everything. I laughed for a good two minutes about that. Never change.

Charlotte (to human female Becky of the clan Lynch and human female Sasha of the clan Boss): “Look at you…both of you…it’s like some seventh grade boy asked you out to the after school dance.” Charlotte talks as if she were an alien who’s still getting settled in. After school dance? As opposed to the ones in the middle of Science class?

Dean Ambrose (to Triple H): “Thank you.” Only men would fight each other because one said “Thank you”. I feel like if he had complimented Stephanie’s breasts instead Triple H would’ve kept walking.

R – Really love that the Undertaker got on a plane, went through baggage claim, walked through the airport, got settled in, ate some dinner, dyed his hair, apologized to the maid for all the stained towels, went to the arena the next day, put on his gear, got his hair wet, and walked to the ring to say about 25 words. It would’ve been cheaper and less effort just to put the man on speaker phone. Do you realize how much they had to pay him for that? He earned like $2000 a word.

S – Seriously though, it was pretty cool. I love the mystique, I love what he said, I love the implications. This feels big. It’s officially the match I’m most excited about. You know Shane is going to do something stupid and you know somehow it’s going to go wrong in the way only a Shane McMahon match can. He’s either the worst stunt man of all time or the best improv suicide enthusiast of all time.

T – Tables is a word. It’s the only word I have for the Bubba vs. Random Uso match. I don’t know, I guess it pushed along the story, but it’s hard to appreciate the slow progressions. It’s like a comic book: it’s a lot more entertaining reading six issues at once than waiting month to month. And it’s a lot easier to miss the really well done stuff when you can only see the trees and not the whole forest. I don’t necessarily know if there’s a solution for WWE’s problem with that (as opposed to comic books, which have issue collections called Trades that basically function like individual seasons on DVD do for TV) and the only real way to fix it is to try and get them out of the way as quick as possible – which felt like what we were doing here.

U – Ugly but fun. The Big Show/Owens match was such a fun study in wrestling logic. Why NOT beat Big Show by countout? What moron would actually try to fight this man? Their feud is so well done. Owens is a fantastic foil for a solid but often bored Big Show. Owens just brings so much to the table. He’s always got some new move or spot to push his matches into spectacles. I’m honestly excited about Big Show/Owens at Wrestlemania in what I assume will be a no DQ match or some variation there of (they’re all the same match, really. Cage match, Table match, TLC match, Ladder match, Falls Count Anywhere…the rules are all the same except for how to win. And what stops you from using a table in a Ladder match? Manners?)

V – Velvet. Naomi looks like the love child of a velvet couch cushion and a Lisa Frank binder. She looks like a gang leader in Candy Land. Her match was fine (besides the usual Brie Bella signature botches and mistimed everythings) but god did she look hilarious. It didn’t even match! Also, Lana is going to wrestle. This is going to be amazing. If her ring gear doesn’t have like five buttons on it, I’m going to be disappointed. Lana has ALL the buttons. Her jacket tonight looked like a Street Fight II cabinet.

W – Well, we now come full circle – Human/expired Band-Aid you forgot was in your cabinet Dean Ambrose vs. Del Rio. You know what, despite being somewhat averse to both men in ring, they had a fun little fight here. Del Rio’s double stump to a hanging Ambrose outside was FANTASTIC. And Dean’s idiotic, kinetic style even charmed me! I’d actually watch these guys again. Who says plastic grocery bags with shredded lettuce hanging out of them can’t be good wrestlers? Plus, you had to love the entire HHH beat down part. It (begrudgingly) highlights the best and most admirable traits of his chara—OH MY GOD BYRON JUST WENT FLYING. TRIPLE H JUST LITERALLY TOSSED BRYON EIGHT FEET. IT WAS LIKE ONE OF THOSE WEIRD SCOTTISH SPORTS ON EPSN 18. I THINK HE PICKED UP WIND AND FLOATED INTO THE RAFTERS. I DIDN’T SEE BYRON AFTERWARDS. IF YOU HAVE SEEN A PAPER AIRPLANE MATCHING BYRON’S DESCRIPTION, PLEASE CALL WWE. IF I WASN’T LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY I’D HELP.

X – Xylophone

Y – You know you’re watching Raw when…it takes the entire show for the guy behind the commentary table to turn his sign right side up. Finally got it when they announced the Free Birds for the Hall of Fame. Never give up, buddy!

Z – Zero. The number of Triple H costume changes (really disappointed). The number of Subway sandwiches I’ll ever eat again (pure spite). The number of Oscar references tonight. Just kidding! The entire show was terribly shoehorned references to a dying award show! Relevancy!

You can email Charles Cress at c_cress08@yahoo.com or follow him on Twitter at @CharlesCress