By: Charles Cress

Alright, so Alphabet Soup didn’t go up this week. Honestly, life happened. I’m sorry guys. But! It will be back next Monday. To make up for it, I wrote a giant sized (Man-Thing) and kind of amazing Smackdown review here. Plus, it has bonus Raw stuff at the end! So read! Share! Care! …Hair! I’m out of rhyming words, shut up! Read it! …Feed it…rhymed!

• I like that Roman is now aware that there is in fact this thing called the entrance ramp and that, yes, most people (NOT ROMAN) use it to enter the arena. I always like to imagine he’s just confused. Like he’s running around the back, grabbing people and shaking them:

Roman: “Not tonight! I won’t miss it again tonight! I downloaded the floor layout! I’m gonna find the ramp! I promised Vince!”

PA: “Can I see those layouts, sir?”

Roman: “Sure. Hurry up, gotta be out soon.”

PA: “Um…Mr. Reigns? These…these are for a different arena…”

Roman: “Aren’t all arenas the same?!”

PA: “What? No…that’s…that’s idiotic…”

Roman: “I just typed ‘arena layout’ into Bing! Why didn’t Bing help me?! Arrrhh!”

Then Roman takes down the hallway screaming. That’s probably how it goes…probably.

• Roman’s promo wasn’t as good as Roman being confused (eventually they assigned him a dog to guide him to the ramp), but it was nice. I like angry, cool guy Roman. I also like the hilariousness of eating catering as being a protest, like that’s why he’s doing it. Like they wouldn’t pay for catering anyway, regardless of whether or not he ate. That’s like saying “I’m gonna wear my uniform to work to spite my boss. Yeeaahhh. Cause-cause he paid for that shirt. Oooo. Got you!” Roman is like an Occupy Wall Street protester who left early because they were going to be late for work. I love you, Roman. Never stop being terrible at things.

• DO NOT GO THERE, KEVIN OWENS. Did you see Renee’s poor face?! She look legitimately upset that Owens said she had the same haircut as Styles. If Renee shows up on Monday bald, we know why. By the way, did you guys look at Renee’s face in general during that? Go find it. Now. …Ok, now just watch her. Her facial expressions are unreal. She’s the Randy Orton of interviewing. It’s like her mind knows what pro wrestling is but her face still believes in kayfabe. She gives these amazing “Ooo, you go girl” looks after every quip. I can’t even right now. She’d be amazing as Sassy Best Friend in a terrible movie released in January.

• Oh look, it’s the “Battle of Ohio”! These two have never…haha, I can’t. Sorry. I’m not against Miz and Dolph wrestling. They actually have some palpable chemistry. It’s just too much too close together. At least we got Jerry Lawler being semi-confused by where they were. There’s a chance, a small one, that he might think the state of Ohio is called Cleveland and Ohio is a city. And neither of those are in the country of Cincinnati.

• Obligatory “I hate Ohio” comment from me, because I’m from Michigan, I take sports really seriously and one time, Ohio and Michigan fought a war over Toledo, which is the most Ohio and Michigan thing ever.

• The whole time I was watching Dean’s first vignette I just kept marking out because I’ve drove over that bridge a few times on the way to Kentucky, and if nothing else, I will always mark for myself. Also, love that Dean Ambrose wore his ring gear out in the city. It was re—wait, that’s not his ring gear? Are we sure? Two hoodies, jacket, something with his name on it, jeans…no, yeah, that’s his ring gear. He looks like a TNA World Champion. TNA: Home of the K-Mart Swim Trunk Champions. I think it’s really cool TNA allows you to buy their wrestler’s gear at all local K-Mart stores.

• Oh man, Goldust continues to be just amazing. First, that ring jacket was FANTASTIC. He looked like a flamboyant Warlord circa 2110. He’ll deny you food rations, but he’ll look FAB doing it. And that, that’s what matters guys. Not food. Not sustenance. Take it from someone who has spent their last $10 on clothes (it was clearance guys, I’m not that cheap. Come on), it’s the most important thing. Secondly, he’s still so damn athletic. Wrestling skills aren’t hereditary (if we’ve learned ANYTHING from WCW, let that be it), but athleticism is. Goldust is a natural athlete through and through. You’d have to be to do what he does at his age. And it’s not just the taking bumps and running stuff. It’s the speed he runs at. The height he gets when he jumps. That’s all DNA. Ultimately, that’s the most fun part of wrestling, if you’ll allow me a tangent here (LOL). Wrestling is getting to watch some of the most incredible naturally gifted men and women put their spectacular genes to good use. It’s like a Skills Competition with light acting. Unlike the NFL (another terrific repository for the birthright boisterous), WWE doesn’t encumber them with strict play assignments and 21 other guys stealing their thunder. The spotlight is on these men and women to do everything that makes them amazing every night. It’s so fun to step back and consider exactly what these guys are capable of on a daily basis. Goldust reminds me of that constantly.

• I wanna point out that everyone in the ring right now (Dudley’s, Goldust, Truth) are survivors of That Company in Florida. Shay and I theorized that they have secret meeting in the back to swap stories and help each other with their PTSD. A support group of sorts. They have a handshake too. It involves lots of missed high-fives.

• “Two women that I’ve almost known my entire adult life.” Do you guys understand how much I love Charlotte’s terrible alien promos? They are like lottery tickets in your Christmas stocking (as opposed to just in your stockings, I suppose…some kind of slutty gambler thing going on here, maybe…). I digress. Charlotte, you put “almost” way too early in that sentence. Basically she’s saying she almost knew them. Like she almost found out their favorite food but got busy or something. I like that the implication is she’s known them her entire adult life, but only kinda. What’s Becky’s favorite movie? “Oh damn…I almost know that…it has characters in it, I know that…she was going to tell me but I cut her off. Would’ve known too much about her.” Alien Charlotte – keep learning English. You’re almost there. Almost.

• Sasha has so much swag. UGGGHHHH. I’m jealous! Steppin’ out her looking NYC trendy but stayin’ true with that Boss chain. You get it, girl! And because my columns all eventually digress into fashion treatises, Charlotte looks like a backup dancer at an award show and Becky looks like a Juggalette (do not Bing this, Roman Reigns). ANYWAYS, this was fun and it nicely adds some animosity to this future WrestleMania classic.

• Oh New Day…I have no idea if you’re faces or heels, or why the hell you’re facing League of Nations. They’re still basically heels, just they aren’t as mean to the fans, I guess? The crowd seems just as confused as I do, honestly. I don’t think they’ve won over the younger fans that still despise them, yet. Hot garbage though…cute. I like that Xavier decided to make the most out of his janitor job, though Mr. Stevens is not going to be happy about this (see, ‘cause he doesn’t wrestle so I made a joshing implication that he has supplementary income.) Cute stuff, here. I guess I’m just immune to New Day’s antics? I don’t know.

• Watch the…guy in the grey hoodie behind Dean in the bar promo (see? I didn’t say black. …Dammit!) He can’t stop looking at the camera. Every few seconds, just over Dean’s shoulder, he stares into our very souls like a magic deer. I have seen the face of God. I have stared into the abyss. I can testify, it did stare unto me.

• The whole Tough Guy Dean shtick is so much better than crazy Dean. Tough Guy Dean, I buy. In fact, there’s evidence in WWE fiction to back up those claims. Dean as the perineal latch key kid with a chip on his shoulder has ample support and legs to run. It’s charmingly edgy in the most PG-13 was possible. I’m quite keen on it. Keep doin’ your thing, tough but not mentally unstable Dean Ambrose.

• Mauro Ranallo explaining Japanese moves to Jerry Lawler is exactly like when I explain Transformers stuff to Shay. It’s like “Yeah, that’s a thing, but wow it sounds stupid. I can’t even tell if you’re making it up.” King’s new heel character is very amusing because it’s peak “Whatever you say, baby” Shay. “Shockfire? Ok honey.” “No! Shockwave!” “Shocker, got it.”.

• Owens and AJ did a pretty nice job. Especially on that innovative spinning Argentine Rack Powerbomb situation. Just fun indie stuff here with a nice pace and stand out layout. This match was handcrafted like a fine, pretentious dessert from the trendy part of town. This match was artisanal. And Jericho getting the distraction served two masters here. Owens got his moment and momentum, and AJ got an excuse for losing and ammo for his Jericho gun. Overall just well-done fun! I can’t complain! I’m trying, trust me! Uh…uh…my foot hurts! Yeah!

• Oh wait, I can complain. Because keeps trying to make AJ chants a thing. JERICHO, YOU ARE LITERALLY THE ONLY ONE CHANTING HIS NAME. Are we entirely sure Jericho’s character isn’t hearing voices in his head? You know what though, I did love the end where he changed up this cadence and started using different inflections, like he was in a cereal commercial and the director wanted him to try saying the name a few different ways. Fantastic.

SPECIAL RAW MENTION:

• Shane’s promo was god awful. That was completely a fault of irrational confidence. He got so pumped from his first two appearances he’s like “fuck it, I’m Shane McMahon. I could do ‘Camptown Races’ and get a standing O”. Turns out, he’s right. People laughed, but no one seemed to care. Shane could probably win that Senate Seat Linda wanted at will. He’s absurdly beloved. He’s like the WWE Universe’s cool uncle.
• Bo Dallas might be the best thing since the phrase “the best thing since sliced bread”. Let me remind you what he said on Monday “Like the new Grilled Hot Dog, I’m available now!” WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?! WHY DO YOU MAKE ME FALL IN LOVE AGAIN EVERY DAY?! WHY DO YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE THE PROTAGONIST OF A ONE DIRECTION SONG?!