This week’s Smackdown was a rare creature indeed – stuff happened! If they keep doing this I will have to change the name of this column, and I don’t care enough/can’t do any better. So, you know, stop doing things. And in case you are wondering, I did record it. Oh god, forgot to cancel my Hulu account! Oh god oh god. Be right back. This is for real – in writing that sentence, I just realized it. Keep reading! I’mma go make sure I don’t get charged for this!

• Sami Zayn is on the main roster! Yeah! And also…Sami is being rushed into an abbreviated feud with Owens! Yay? This could have used more buildup. I don’t count NXT as buildup, because despite its popularity, it draws a fraction of Raw and Smackdown. It’s essentially an indie and importing this feud and trying to make it matter in weeks feels…weak. Look, I want to see them wrestle. Who doesn’t?! And it’s awesome Sami is here! But by the lukewarm reaction he got and the incredible amount of exposition we just had to dump on the audience, this isn’t going to be perfect. And these guys deserve that. At least Zayn’s burn on the Miz was perfect. He needed to hear that. It felt like an intervention.

• On the fun side, oh my god Neville’s voice, oh my god. He sounds like Patrick Stewart doing a Sean Connery impression. Where the hell is he from? He talks like a drunk Siri. I don’t even think half of what he said was words. I’m excited and scared to see what the close captioning people made of that.

• I’m sorry Sami, I didn’t mean that baby. Your feud is going to go fine. I just get upset sometimes baby. Come on, you know me. Come lay on papa and tell him how you did cool shit in this tag match. There you go, mitten face. Now tell me about your cool moveset.

• The tag match WAS pretty good. It was downright fun, actually. Neville has been SHINING lately and it didn’t stop here. He’s like a beefy helicopter toy. And can I say, they actually made a good team? Tag team potential?! Eh? Eh?! It was brilliant to keep Owens away from Sami in this match. I honestly didn’t even notice until the end and that’s part of the brilliance. It was subtle and – GASP! – it told a story! Hell, it advanced a story! Smackdown is allergic to that! I had to use an EpiPen on my TV. This is the perfect example of how to make a match tell a story and be entertaining. I’m going to have sex with this match and then lie to Shay about it. Eventually, this match will interrupt our wedding. I will get slapped by Shay. She will storm out and I will rebuke this match for tarnishing this day. Time will pass, wounds will heal. Shay and I will reconnect two years later at a small coffee shop. We’ve both moved on: I, a quiet cobbler, lonely as I am skilled. She, a married mother of five, committed to her family, ambivalent about her husband. We’ll laugh, we’ll smile, we’ll reminisce. She’ll ask me “Why?” I’ll play coy. “Why what?” She’ll breakdown “Why did you ruin this? Look at what we had. What we have. I’m happy but I would have been happier with you.” And I’ll whisper…“dat spinning moonsault thing off Zayn, doe.”

• Heh, Truth is the lifeguard while Goldust drops the kids off at the pool. Heh. Poop jokes. Heh.

• BRRIIIIIEEE (ala) MOOOODDEEE. Her song is the best part of her, and I’m including her cute headband. I like how she’s become this living tribute. She’s half Daniel Bryan, half Nikki, and terrible at both. It’s Frankenstein’s Monster if the good Doctor was busy playing Hearthstone or sewed on two left feet or something. She’s entertaining as long as she doesn’t hurt anybody – kind of like Enzo Amore. And hey! She finally got the Yes Lock. Took a bit, but whatever! BRRIIIEEE ALA MOOOODDDDEEEE!

• Lana looks ridiculous and I can’t wait to see her run the ropes. She looks like a Rob Liefeld drawing. I’m so excited.

• God dammit, Jericho. That was the only shirt you would wear and you burned it! Is it too late to get them back together?! Can I donate 10 cents a day, the price of a cup of coffee, to get Chris Jericho a shirt? Quick, someone put some flies on his face. This man needs clothing!

• Jericho’s promo from start to finish was incredibly funny. I get what it was SUPPOSED to be about. Getting it isn’t the problem. First of all, Jericho spent the entire promo baiting the crowd to chant AJ’s name, which they clearly had no interest in. I’m not even sure where he keeps hearing these chants to get so upset about. The crowd has gone mild at best for AJ. Also: THAT SHIRT HAS YOUR NAME ON IT, TOO. He burned half of himself in effigy. I can’t even make up how dumb this was. Why not go grab one of AJ’s shirts?! He has like four already!

• Sin Cara out here looking like Triple H’s secret lucha son, Tres Jeche.

• Cute match they had, by the way. Wade Barrett did something, which rare. I think I might go play the lottery after seeing that. Again though, I’m just meh on League of Nations. Sheamus has somehow just discovered personality, and while I enjoy that, they collectively are just a splotch of color on my screen. Plus, they beat up Sin Cara. RIP Tres Jeche 2016-2016.

• I love that we got the fancy transition to Ryback! We just needed a star wipe and it would’ve been perfect. Still digging what Ryback’s doing here. The new gear and the new attitude just really got me sold. I’ll miss him repping Team Rocket (Giovanni forever) and looking generally like a musclehead who made his own gear and wandered backstage somehow, but this is good. This feels good. This feels…right.

• I love that Ambrose’s shirt just HAD to come off. It’s like those CW shows that star the brooding guys in henleys (not Don Henley and his made up just now brother, the piece of clothing) and dubious, soon to be receding hair – every time the ratings are down, shirts get ripped. I think they wear tear-away shirts like NBA player pants. The best part about Dean’s shirt getting ripped is that you can see why he wears one. Look, I’m not one to talk but Dean’s stomach looks like rippling water. It’s like his stomach is a glass on an old lady’s coffee table right before Godzilla stomps into town. It looks like a piece of pizza that the cheese fell off of. For being so sexy and crazy, he looks like the dumb kid at the neighborhood pool. But to each their (weird disturbing) own, I suppose.

• The main-event was ok. The Uso’s have been dead to me for years. They never add anything new (in ring or out) and they generally just kind of frustrate me. WHICH ONE IS NAOMI’S HUSBAND AND WHICH ONE IS THE OTHER GUY?! There’s no discernible way to tell them apart, like how the real Sin Cara had a mark on his boot (thanks, Booker!). Plus, you know, Dolph is Dolph (the “Showoff”, which is a marketing executive’s spin on “loses a lot but has nice chops”) so that did nothing for me. I don’t know, Dean did some cool stuff here and this win was very important to setting up Roadblock. I mean, he didn’t end it with a fist and/or boot on his face! Progress!

Well, that was Smackdown. Tl;dr – Brie Ala Mode Frankenstein, star wipes, Don Henley, Tres Jeche, Patrick Stewart.

By the way, I canceled my Hulu subscription just in time. They were going to charge me tomorrow morning. The moral of this story is – don’t tell Shay I almost messed that up. Oh, and always write columns explaining the minutia of your life!