By: Charles Cress

A – Air Jordan II. My boy Shane O’Man rocking them J’s! Some of you may not know this, but I’m a major sneakerhead. Not as much as I use to be, but at my peak, I owned 40 pairs of sneakers. It’s down to like 20 now, with only four pairs of Jordans. But it still lives in my heart. I will vicariously live through Shane SO HARD through Wrestlemania.

B – Boy, Shane rocking that “I’m still cool, I use Uber” Silicon Valley outfit. He’s leaning hard on that lost youth. I appreciate he didn’t try to dye his hair though, like his distinguished opponent. The guy leaves black gunk in his wake like a BP tanker. His hair is like a melting candle. Ugh. Any who, Shane was nice here. He’s still got that natural McMahon charisma. And honestly? Man, wouldn’t it be so refreshing to have him take over as the authority figure? Obviously everything would stay relatively the same, it’s all kayfabe, afterall. But the show would feel…sunnier. Brighter. A more optimistic Raw. I’m kind of excited for an optimistic Raw. God, am I talking myself into Shane beating the Undertaker?

C – CM Punk! CM Punk! CM ah shut up. Oh yeah, you’re chanting will bring him back. Because that’s what he was waiting for: you guys to chant his name. Sure, he loves the audio masturbation as much as The Rock (but not more than. They actually have to change the ring mat when Rock leaves. It’s soaked. Fun Fact.) but he’s GONE. He doesn’t care. What is that even supposed to accomplish? “LOOKIT, WE KNOW A NAME OF A WRESTLER.” Like saying his name will cause Vince to have an epiphany? I bet you guys feel so cool. I’m glad you paid $80 to feel superior to other people. Pretty good deal you got there.

D – Dude! Neville did…something! He was relevant! Look at him go! He’s getting offense! It’s about damn time. It feels like a nice little reward for wrestling the fuck out of Balor on NXT. I think we forget sometimes how much of a revelation Neville was on NXT. He changed everything. He was part of the generation that made NXT what it is t—OH MY GOD, SAMI ZAYN! AHHHH! AHHH! I THINK I PEED! AHHHH! I LOVE YOU, SAMI! HAVE MY SKA BABIES! I WANT TO WEAR YOUR HAT ON MY DONG! AHHHH!

E – Ehm. I uh…I apologize for that entire last letter. It got out of hand, and I’m s—AHHH SAMI WAS ON RAW! WEAR A TOGA AND SMACK ME ON THE FACE, SAMI! I THINK I’D BE INTO THAT FOR SOME REASON! LIKE A SOCRATES ROLE PLAY OR SOMETHING!

F – For God’s sake! Dolph! You do not wear patterned shirts with patterned ties! You might has well have worn a suit of dead babies. You disgust me. I wouldn’t be surprised to find out Dolph Ziggler is actually two dogs in an overcoat with spaghetti on its head.

G – Grade. B-. Yep, again. This wasn’t bad though! Stuff happened! The forward momentum was palpable (and it honestly went up half a grade because Bray Wyatt looked at the WWE title). The entire show felt like a sports car speeding towards Road Block and Wrestlemania. Yeah the matches were shorter, but I’m ok if they at least mean something. More of this, please. It was better than fruit but not as good as fruit flavored food. Purple flavor > grape.

H – How much must it suck to have to pretend to care about Brie buying a scooter? I can see why Byron Saxton has the same “blink twice if you’re being held against your will” look Chris Christie did. Like, that’s the context for a match: she has a scooter. I’m glad I was distracted by how selfish and insane Nikki Bella is or otherwise I might have saw more of this match. It’s like we traveled back to 2012. This was as subpar and forgetful as any Diva’s match I’ve ever seen. And Summer Rae looks like a rabbit. No, I mean, she literally has the figure of a standing bunny. I don’t know why I noticed this.

I – I love hoochie mama Lana. That nickname is for sale, WWE! Her singles character is essentially “remember when I banged Dolph Ziggler and they had to stop the story because I’m an idiot?” That’s her. Her character is hilariously bad. Lana is basically a human mirror for whomever has the unfortunate pleasure of being her saddle that week. Lana is the anti-feminist character. I know that’s extrapolating a lot from an outfit, but her character’s past speaks loudly here. More hoochie mama Lana might help. Maybe she’ll saying something about herself that isn’t tied to the status of her theoretical vagina and the liberal application of penis there of? If she’s a confident woman who does what she wants, including men, great. Do you. But be better than a shallow reflection.

J – Just gonna get this out of the way. Dean Ambrose looks like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich slowly falling apart. I don’t know how else to say it, but I’ll try. Dean Ambrose is the human version of a New York postcard. No. You know when you get that gunk on the corner of your lip when you haven’t drank something in a while, and even after you drink something, it’s still there, but now it’s like a jelly and you’re pretty sure everyone can see it but no one says anything and you’re freaking out and eventually you just scrape it off with your nail and it looks like Vaseline and you’re like “how is this a thing”? Dean is the guy who says something. God, this guy. It’s not that I dislike him, it’s that I like mocking him. Those are very different things that Dean Ambrose would say sounds like fancy book learnin’ talk. And apparently he’s an old timey prospector now too. Ooo wait, he might be!

K – Killed kayfabe. Triple H is just pissing all over the idea of kayfabe and I love it. He refuses to play along, no matter what. Every week he just dismantles Dean’s character in delightful ways. He basically said Dean Ambrose is just a guy playing a character, and of course he is, we know he is, but it’s so funny that Triple H doesn’t care to pretend he is. I bet Triple H was the kid who never wanted play fireman unless there was a real fire. His Lego cities were full of motionless, lifeless Lego people…because they aren’t real. They can’t drive Lego cars. And Lego cars aren’t real cars anyway. That…or he just doesn’t give a fuck. I hope it’s the former. More on the story implications later. …I’m a news anchor now.

L – Love the guy with the sign that says “WWE Raw Live in Chicago” like just in case he forgets where he is he can turn his sign around and read it. It’s the equivalent of those guys who have “Charger” across the windshield of their…wait for it…Charger. Is it in case they forget which one is theirs? “Oh yeah, mine is the stupid looking one that says what it is. Cause people don’t know what cars look like and I want everyone looking in their rearview mirror to know what car hit them when they file the police report.”

M – Man, they clearly are just messing with Wade Barrett now. He was the only one eliminated! Even better – I’m pretty sure that was the first elimination match like this where it didn’t come down to one on one. Which I can’t decide is funnier for Dolph or Barrett. It was so realistic it hurt. The good kind of hurt. The Sami Zayn and I kind of hurt (PLEASE DON’T READ THIS, CODY RHODES. IT’S JUST A JOKE. I LOVE YOU. YOU ALWAYS SMELL LIKE SUPER NINTENDO CARTRIDGES) That’s what you get, Dolph, for being nicknamed “The Show Off” instead of “The Match Winner”. You showed off, all right. Let’s see how that translates into success!

N – Nicely done Shane McMahon video package. It highlighted what makes him so damn fun – he’s a true blue, 100% risk taker. So many wrestlers can claim they are, and print it on t-shirt and use it in promos, but Shane will do anything. And I think that ties into what JBL said – Shane had something to prove. He knew being Vince’s son, none of the boys would ever give him credit. Give him credence. The only way to show he wasn’t a token of nepotism was to go beyond what even they would do. By going farther than them, he was able to run beside them. Sometimes I like to think of this fun “What if?” scenario, wherein Shane isn’t a McMahon. He’s just a stupidly fearless, handsome guy who wants to be a wrestler so bad it hurts. And while it’s fun to imagine what he could have accomplished, he wouldn’t have been half as good as he was. Being a McMahon was the premium unleaded that powered his combustion engine of self-destruction. Shane McMahon was a creation of his last name as much as his first. Without that chip on his shoulder, he wouldn’t have ever had the urge to push it off so hard. And maybe this hypothetical Shane would have found a different chip, but it wouldn’t have been so present as his last name. It truly followed him everywhere. And that made Shane McMahon appointment TV. We got to watch him in real time try to kick his own linage in the face while leaping across the ring. That was his real opponent. And even after he won, he never stopped building that straw man back up. He’s driven and completely non derivative. A wholesale unique creation that for once in this industry, truly inimitable. There can never be another Shane McMahon and that makes the one we have a treasure. Can’t wait to see it one more time.

O – Oh man. That was the worst Diva’s match since the last Diva’s match. Wow. I think combined they’ve had like four minutes of screen time tonight. Sasha being catty backstage lasted longer than this. Why even get dressed? I’d just walk out in pajama pants and lay down in the middle of the ring. I wouldn’t even wipe the potato chip crumbs off my shirt first. That’s your problem, not mine.

P – Pretty good! Wow, that tag match had me on the edge! I mean, there were serious points where they made me believe a title switch was coming. Just outstanding planning, here. There was definitely a strong hand guiding this match from the start. It was laid out so beautifully. They had the spoons on the correct side and everything. Kofi was the biggest star though, surprisingly. He proves again he’s as versatile as anyone in WWE, despite his label as “high flying guy”. Every sequence he was involved in flowed like honey, even with Jericho (who has been shaky at best since coming back).

Q – Quotes.

Dolph Ziggler (to Stephanie): “Yeah, Survivor Series…maybe I’m a little fuzzy…” That’s just the concussions. You’re probably ok…probably…

Dean Ambrose: “This face is going to be on People Magazine. Going to be on Oprah.” It’s so cute that WWE has created this little vacuum where wrestling is still god, but only between the hours of 8-11 in the given arena.

R – Really?! I was right?! I mean, yes, of course. I told you guys Y2AJ was going to break up! Whooo! I know, I know, apparently everyone has been saying this but everyone didn’t have a column read by tens of people, did they? Shay would barely give me credit because she said it was obvious. Well guess what? I didn’t read that! And sure, that’s because I ignore other wrestling writer’s, but the point stands! All me, baby! I do love that they made a t-shirt for them though. I just want to roll around in the comedy of this t-shirt. Someone actually spent their time, being paid, to design a logo and slogan for this group that lasted as long as a decent orgasm. They sold this shirt! To real people! People who can never wear this again in polite company! I don’t know if it’s a masterpiece of cynical business or the most expensive kayfabe in history. It’s just fantastic, I know that.

S – So glorious. Look, I realize like half this column is fashion criticism, but I like clothes and b…clothes. So I like to talk about them. And Kalisto’s gear was heavenly. He looked like the cover to some forgotten Sega Genesis game. Also, how adorable was it to see him wearing the US Championship? It was huge on him! On Cena it looked like a belt buckle! So cuuuttteeee.

T – Totally psyched that Big Bossman is in the Hall of Fame. Always one of my favorites as a kid. I mean, his song. It was magic in audio form. The bassline alone sounded like passionate sex from an older, experienced man. And sure, the gimmick has sometimes troubling racial undertones, but how great was it that his gimmick was taken so literally? He’d feud with guys about like parking tickets and shit. It was the greatest thing ever. Plus, him getting all gritty and growing into the Attitude Era consisted of making him a Swat Team guy instead. Brilliantly stupid to the highest degree.

U – Uh…am I alone in thinking Ryback’s promo was pretty good? Part of it was nonsense and he delivered it with the enthusiasm of a tired museum director, but it was pertinent. It made SENSE. It positioned him in this great pocket of serious and sweet. He’s not a heel, he’s a realist. I’m not even sure what to call him alignment. It’s just really fun to see develop every week.

V – Very confused. As much as I want Shane to win, and as much as I like him (see: N), I don’t understand why we’re supposed to believe he can beat Undertaker as HIS event. Shane may be dumb enough to do what it takes to keep Taker down, but when has it ever worked for Shane? Forgotten in all those great highlights of Shane is the fact he lost like 80% of those matches. He was Dolph Ziggler before Dolph Ziggler. All show off, no wins. I think history plays against him. Vince shouldn’t be THAT scared. Taker’s got this (but I secretly hope he doesn’t. I’ve made my mind up!).

W – Well, another Raw, another Dean Ambrose beat down. I’m not even sure if this is on purpose. I think they just forgot that this will be the third Raw in a row he’s got his ass beat to close the show. How does this make him look good? Yeah, he got up. But he was going to eventually. He’s not dead. Is that the lesson from this? That they didn’t kill Dean? I can’t keep watching him get beat up like this if no one is wearing leather. At least just be up front about what this is.

X – Xylophone

Y – You know you’re watching Raw when…someone talks about their ass exploding.

Z – Zero. The amount of jokes under “D” (I really did scream like that in Shay’s ear. Ask her.) The number of times Bo Dallas should be off TV. The times in this column you believed I had a girlfriend.

You can email Charles Cress at c_cress08@yahoo.com or follow him on Twitter at @CharlesCress