By: Charles Cress

I think the title speaks for itself. Smackdown WAS indeed a thing that happened. Look, there’s a reason this isn’t an Alphabet Soup column. I dreaded writing Alphabet Soup columns for Smackdown way back when. It’s 90% kelp. You know those really cheap, suspicious, generically packaged gallons of “fruit punch” you can buy at the grocery store? The ones that, if you look closely, say “Contains no actual juice”? That’s Smackdown. If you look really close it says “Contains no actual story”. I remember being freaked out looking at a generic half-gallon of lemonade that literally said “Lemonade Drink”. Not lemonade. Lemonade drink. What part is missing that legally calling it lemonade wouldn’t work?! There’s only three ingredients!

That’s Smackdown. I’m worried what’s missing.

• Still all-in on Triple H/Roman. The bloody tape was money! I know recently it’s been speculated that the color on Raw was via blood capsules, and if so…so what? I actually prefer that. Let’s NOT bleed all over each other and spread potential diseases to our fans, employees, and peers, alright guys? That’d be great. I mean, it’s a work. This is a story. Am I supposed to be impressed if it’s real? Why? It’s the image that matters. It’s the incredible tableau on Raw that really sold the story. Would you be mad if Walter White didn’t actually bleed? By the way, still can’t get over Triple H literally changing clothes to go attack Roman

HHH: “Where’s my tough guy jeans, Steph? The ones that fit me like a dad!”

Steph: “Why, Hunter? You’re already dressed. Just go out there.”

HHH (whining): “Ugghh you don’t get it! It’s a guy thing! I gotta look toooouuuggghhh!”

Steph (giving up to go watch Bones, texting Seth Rollins): “…Check the laundry, Hunter.”

• It’s not that I DON’T care what happens with anyone in the second match but Kalisto, it’s just that…well, yeah, I don’t care, actually. The League of Nations is such a great idea in theory. Really strong concept and a smart use of random heels with nowhere to go (by the way, nowhere is it more obvious that WWE loves to fetishize and patronize different cultures than the wildly simplistic gimmicks of the men involved here), but it doesn’t necessarily entertain me. Milage may vary, of course, but I just don’t get excited by Rusev et. al. Rusev especially has literally only appealed to me twice in his career – the first time I saw him at Royal Rumble doing crazy jumping kicks and his triple-threat with Owens and Cesaro, which I think caused me to have an actual orgasm. Best triple-threat in the last five years. Oh man…I’m feeling flush…I…whoo…there it goes again. Alright, back on track! The faces don’t really get me going with, especially Dolph Ziggler. He’s just…there. I guess his best comparison is pre-New Day Kofi Kingston. You’d go “Hey, it’s Kofi! …cool, I guess”. There’s nothing left for Dolph to accomplish in his current incarnation and his “charm” has worn its welcome. Meh. At least Kalisto was here! I love you, Kalisto!

• Wow, I liked a Big Show match. And I don’t think it’s Big Show’s fault I haven’t like a match of his in a while (his Mark Henry matches really did something for me. I’m an eight year old at heart – two big guys smashing against each other is life. Since then it’s been downhill…) It’s just that Big Show is much more interesting when his opponent brings something to the table. Big Show still matters! But he has to be part of an additive equation. It can’t be Big Show makes someone bad look good – he’s carried too many guys and it always comes off really odd, like when your dad let you beat him up. When it’s Big Show and someone who also adds something to the board, he’s pretty great. They even did some new spots here! Kevin no doubt had some fun ideas for how to use Big Show and his win was nicely respective of the fear Big Show should have on every superstar. Also, Kevin Owens. He’s the best thing since the phrase “the best thing since sliced bread”.

• Everytime I see Nattie wrestle, I have the same reaction “Oh man, I forgot how good Nattie is!” She was the Four Horsewomen before the Four Horsewomen. Absolutely preternaturally gifted. And her match here was ok until it was nonsense fodder. I was mostly just amused at how incrementally it advanced the story. You’d need a magnifying glass to see what this added to the Sasha/Becky vs. Team Bad feud. Good old Smackdown!

• Half this show was recaps and when I got sleepy, I started to think I traveled back to Monday. But then I remember Einstein’s paradox about if you intend to invent a time machine on Wednesday to travel back to Tuesday, you’d know if you succeeded before you even invented the machine. I don’t REMEMBER seeing myself on Monday, though I’m sure I would’ve been cautious, so…

• Goldust/R-Truth is a nice way to get Truth back into the fold since his crazy (pun not intended. It’s never intended. DOWN WITH PUNS) popularity for generally depicting a man in the midst of mental illness. Oscar worthy. Mismatched teams > enemy teams > generic guys with long hair and matching tights.

• AJ STYLES DANCING FOREVER. I’m pretty sure he just hit the Stanky Leg. He’s having ALL the fun. All of it. Another cute match for Y2AJ (I just puked a little). I still think this is going to end with them facing again at Wrestlemania but then again, I also thought I time traveled two paragraphs ago, so moot point, I suppose. To be clear, it’s not that I don’t enjoy Jericho and Styles teaming up – it surprisingly makes sense! – it’s that I don’t want to get too attached because I think I know where it’s going. I don’t need that kind of heartbreak.

Well, that was Smackdown. Tl;dr – Stanky leg, time travel. magnifying glasses, and accidental orgasms during wrestling matches. Thanks, everyone!