By: Charles Cress

A – Almost. We almost got a show that didn’t start with the Authority or some proxy their of rambling on about whatever because at that point I start checking my Twitter. I mean, at least it was Vince “The Funky Weapon” McMahon and not Trips, but still. So, here we go. Another seg–

B – Boy, you got a fat neck! That is from immortal (but so very dead) Cotton Hill and it’s going out to (the immortal and only presumed dead after certain matches) Shane McMahon! Wow. Ok. This is how you shake things up, I suppose. Rating ARE down, yes (how much that actually matters depends on how much you’re trying to convince someone the show currently sucks) and if anything can bring it back, well, a resurrection is a nice start. It’s very rare to see a live exhibition of voodoo magic, so that should be good for .5 points.

C – Charles Cress. That’s me, by the way, and before we get too ahead of ourselves, if you’re new to this column, here’s how it works: I run down a given show using the letters of the alphabet as jumping off points. It goes in (mostly) chronological order with the exception of certain letters that stay the same (G – Grade, etc.) It’s humorous, sometimes illuminating, always gay for some reason, and thoughtful. So, if this is your first, I’m proud to take it from you (see? There’s that gay thing. Oh man, wait until I talk about Cody Rhodes).

D – Deadman. So, Shane O’ Mac is a terrible negotiator and has somehow been roped into fighting Undertaker at Wrestlemania (he should have at least bargained for a copy of the DVD when it’s out). It really makes perfect sense though: low impact match for Taker, lapsed fans will tune in for the buildup, and what better way to end Shane’s career than finally just have him fight death one on one (as opposed to death attempting run-in’s during Shane’s other matches)?

E – Eh. New Day gets a TV win to keep them on…well, TV and we remind everyone that Sin Cara 14.2 is functioning pretty well (always a nice goose to the stock price to see their tech on all cylinders. Literally. He’s mostly cylinders. Like…imagine 20 Edison gramophones with duct tape). It’s just a match to do a match. But poor Neville. He’s like a lost puppy. He just sort of follows around shiny people for a time until they kick a can at him and tell him to scram. Neville is WWE’s little brother: fun sometimes, annoying sometimes, always trying to cramp your style. When you’re older you’ll understand, Neville.

F – Freaking god! Big E’s dive through the ropes always gets me. It deserves its own letter.

G – Grade. C-. It started off really fun, nicely playing our expectations of another terrible show opening against us. And then it sort of…what’s that word for slowing immolating while simultaneously tap dancing? Oh? There’s…there’s not one? Oh. Well if there was, that’d be this. It just really had a noticeable down slope until the end (hence the tap dancing). It was better than hamburgers but not as good as cheeseburgers.

H – How much do I love the Dean/Brock story? Oh let me count thy ways. 1. Brock looks like an unthawed dinosaur king. 2. Brock’s face looks like it was carved into Mount Rushmore with all his weird ridges. 3. I like making fun of the way Brock looks. And finally, 4. (the non Brock mocking reason) The way they are booking Dean is just really entertaining. I love him as this indestructible psycho. This man already teetering on the edge of reality and polite social constructs further sliding down the slope. He doesn’t know not to stop. Because he doesn’t understand why WE would. He’s an outsider, mentally. And I think it’s such an intriguing character matchup for the immovable object, Brock Lesnar. I would read this comic book!

I – I love that Dean Ambrose hit a trash can somewhere in the back and in-between cutting to Brock and Dean making his way to the arena area, no one removed. They just left it there. Amazing. I also love that he has a fetish for driving ambulances. It’s one of those weird, specific fetishes you’d see late night on HBO or something. I could see a Behind the Music thing where everything turns grayscale and he’s all “I just couldn’t stop. At that point I was banging my head against walls just to get my ambulance fix. But I’m four years clean now. Will I ever be able to be transmitted to a Medical Facility without getting an erection? Probably not. But I can proudly say I don’t have to have sex with the gas hole anymore. And that’s progress.

J – Just kidding, he still has sex with ambulances.

K – Konnor and Victor. Bet you didn’t even know he spelled it like that, did ya? Did I make that up? Would you even know? Exactly. They got the jobber entrance! At what point does two painted up harbingers of the apocalypse waiting to come back from commercial just sort of kill this thing? Not that it matters anyway. I literally hit the button to skip ahead and the match was over. It was like a backstage segment with the added bonus of seeing two men die a little inside on live TV.

L –Let’s just pretend Chris Jericho didn’t say his match against AJ was one of his best. Was it good? …Sorta! It was better than it had any right to be, and the really fun feud they’ve had makes up for it. I wrote about this elsewhere on this site, but it was so rewarding to see the old school feud play out. It was respect. Old vs. New. Guys scrapping for their place. Plus, whenever Jericho calls him out we get to hear AJ’s song, so that’s always a plus. THEY DON’T WANT NONE.

M – Man, them as a team though? Like…I don’t know (swear I wasn’t trying to do a Shaggy impression)! Part of me is excited! It’s interesting! I honestly never would have guessed this is how they’d use AJ. Kudos for thinkng outside the box…unless this just a slow burn to one more Jericho/Styles match, this time with some stipulation at Wrestlemania. And I think that’s what this is. But I’m going to enjoy the team while it lasts. Main-eventers teaming up > long haired guys wearing the same outfits (which describes 80% of all tag teams).

N – No one better. Stephanie is the best at being faux-sincere. She would be the greatest elementary teacher of all time. “Misses Stephanie, do you like my drawing?!” (Drawing is what appears to be a person, except their arms and legs are coming out of their head) “Sure honey! Looks grrreeat!” Stephanie is so adorable. Just one time I want to be in the car with her when a girl power song comes on and see her snap her neck back and forth.

O – Oh man, they are really going to run this back, aren’t they? I’m not AGAINST the idea of this Wyatt/Bald Guy Mafia match, I’m just pretty sure they aren’t going to catch lightning in a bottle twice. The Fastlane version was somehow not the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen. They’re playing with house money at this point, and I get that, but know when to hold them and when to fold them, guys. This has diminishing returns! And if you wanted that outcome…why not do that last night? I still don’t get why they lost. Did they forget the finish at Fastlane so they’re just doing runsies backsies? Also, no argument that the spotlight should be on Ryback. THOSE KNEES.

P – Pretty sure I just fell in love with Sasha’s new ring gear. It’s like she’s wearing outer space on her lady bits and that does something to me for reasons I’m not quite ready (and don’t have enough money) to deal with. On another (less self confessional/creepy) note, it looks like we’re going for a triple threat at Wrestlemania. I would strongly prefer a singles match (Sasha shines a lot better with one more mind to account for in planning) but WWE would really benefit from the tableau of the (Three) Horsewomen standing together one year later at Wrestlemania. It’s more marketing than matchmaking prowess, but at least Sasha is there somehow!

Q – Quotes.

Paul Heyman, pretending to be Dean Ambrose on a motorcycle – “Ennhhhhhh ennnhhhh rannnhhhhh……..ennnnhhh rannnhhh!” What am I doing with my life every Monday?

Bo Dallas (in response to Axel saying he was being sarcastic) – “I know! I was too!” YOU’RE TOO CUTE BO. STOP IT. STOP IT NOW.

Charlotte (talking about Sasha and Becks – that’s what I call her. I can do that. You can’t. But I digress): “It’s like Amy Pohler and Tina Fey…but with cheaper hair dye!” NO! Stop it now! Bad wrestler! Do not try comedy! I will get the rolled up newspaper I use on Dolph! I swear to god!

R – Really love the “Future Total Diva” sign in the crowd. Is that a time traveling Mandy?!

S – So the Godfather is going into the Hall of Fame. I heard the ring skirt from the ’95 Royal Rumble is headlining next year. ‘Cause if we’re just going to throw anyone/thing in there, I’m partial to the purple. I know, I know, it’s a kayfabe Hall of Fame. And not even in that sense. In the sense that no one goes in only on merit. Guys have gotten in as part of merchandising agreements! Good for Godfather. Good for those hoes. But you know…I’m not gonna take it seriously.

T – Totally guys. Guys. Guys. GUYS. I got a brilliant idea! Remember that match no one wanted to see? No, not that one. No…no…the other one. No. Yeah! Roman vs. Sheamus! Let’s do it…again! In Pog form!

U – Ugh. Ok, I’m not going to be a negative Nelly (though I will be a positive Nelly. His country-esque songs are just delightful). Sheamus has merit. He can even be fun! And Roman is Roman. And if you promise not to tell the internet…I kinda love him (not like I love Cody. More like how I love pretending I’m a cannibalistic serial killer eating the throat of a Pez Dispenser who stumbled onto the wrong side of the tracks when I eat Pez). He does exactly what he’s supposed to do and he’s quite underrated on the mic. Plus, his name is deliciously dumb. It’s like they were trying to come up with a pun and gave up because it was lunch or something.

V – Very good! God I love everything about the post-match beat down. And I say this AS a Roman fan. Because it’s not about fandoms – it’s about story! Coupled with Roman’s post show tweet (if you haven’t go find it now) it creates this awesome tapestry. Would this have worked better with Seth Rollins in the Roman spot? Of course! But it still works. This is Triple H stepping down from his ivory tower to get his own hands dirty (with blood). The king relinquishing to crown just to make a point: Roman is no hero. He’s nothing. Because no one can be bigger than Triple H (the character, calm down internet). He’s god and all false idols must die less they take his spot. It’s an inherently paranoid act. He’s flailing wildly into the wind. Anything to keep from surrendering his hold on WWE.

W – Well, how was that for a come back? I tried, guys. Hope you liked it! Join me again for Smackdown (maybe!). Or maybe just Raw (Smackdown is boring).

X – Xylophone

Y – You know you’re watching Raw when…Triple H has a mid show costume change.

Z – Zero. The number of ambulances Dean Ambrose has violated this month (before today). The times I heard Byron Saxton tonight. The number of tickets I had to this show. Weep for me!

You can email Charles Cress at c_cress08@yahoo.com or follow him on Twitter at @CharlesCress